Gratitude and Growth

Yesterday my girlfriend and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I know it may not seem like a long time to some but it is indeed something I am extremely grateful for. We have been through A LOT to say the bare minimum. From moving to a different part of Massachusetts, job changes, daily struggles of life on a budget and the usual relationship growing pains, we fucking made it and are more in love than ever.

Aside from my relationship growth that I’m grateful for, I have embarked on a journey to spiritual growth and embracing my intuitive abilities. Doing all of the research that I can and learning everyday, I want to start reading tarot cards for people and being a spiritual advisor of sorts. I have always possessed this need and desire to help others. People come to me to vent, talk and seek advice. I’ve also come to find that in helping others, I also help myself. Meditating everyday, studying through two tarot apps and gaining insight from witches/spiritual people I follow on social media has helped me immensely and really allowed me to stay sane during this period of unemployment. I began to seek answers from the universe and within and realized this time needs to be used for my development spiritually and intellectually. Even in writing this. I feel a sense of fulfillment and it is only the beginning.

Never doubt yourself. Sometimes it takes a period of what appears to be stagnation for you to get grounded and really thrive. So stay tuned for more!

– writer from jersey

Tunnel Vision

Focus needs to be a focal priority in your life. Regardless of what you have going on or lack thereof. There will always be distractions, setbacks and obstacles. The key factor is how you handle them and learn from them. One thing I noticed that can be a stumbling block is envy or worrying about what others are doing.

That little green monster has definitely reared it’s ugly head numerous times in my life. I can say that without a doubt and for a fact. I notice this is a frequent occurrence for many especially with social media being at the forefront of how everyone finds shit out. Sometimes it isn’t even that you need to actively show jealousy or have it be a prominent emotion. If you are really so pressed about what the next is doing and comparing your life’s journey to others, that my fear is envy but in perhaps a more diluted form. One thing I’ve come to learn is to put them blinders on and exercise tunnel vision. Think back to when Michael Phelps swam against Chad Le Clos in 2016. Take note on how Le Clos kept looking in the other lane at Michael to see his pace and ultimately lost the match but Michael swam on to victory because he did not look in any other direction but forward. That has got to be one of the most beautiful examples of tunnel vision I’ve ever witnessed. Sidebar, I definitely should have done that during my competitive swimming days but you live and learn.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting and self realization during this period of me being unemployed. A lot of truths and hard ones at that have been surfacing and one of them is my discontent with the here and now. While it can serve as a motivator to do better and aim higher, it’s been the exact opposite for me. I have been bitter, angry, resentful and so close to giving up more than I care to admit. However, I am proud of myself for blogging more and self reflecting because it is precisely what the universe needs for me to do. Writing is my form of tunnel vision and it is also my personal tool for me to grow more.

I end this blog post to then say this. Fuck that green monster of envy. Your life is worthy. You are worthy and your blessings are definitely on the way. Put on them blinders with whatever you need to do so and exercise that tunnel vision. Love and light.

– writer from jersey

Mindset

The mind is a powerful thing. It is the filter through which our thoughts pass and they either remain or disappear. The outcome of your thoughts is entirely up to you. It isn’t always black and white though. Or easy for that matter.

I am an over thinker. I know I have mentioned this in previous posts but it is a fact/flaw about myself that I am actively working on. I will literally sit there and create scenario after scenario about the most mundane situation or occurrence in life. I also feel the need to analyze everything. Any thought that enters my mind goes through surgery with how much I poke and prod them. This has landed me in deep shit sometimes to say the least. I have done my best to tame this flaw of mine especially nowadays because I just have to. I need to be the guardian of my mind and not allow negativity to take root. It is of the utmost importance for me to do so. Thoughts are a breeding ground for manifestation, projecting vibes and setting the tone for what the universe is bringing to you. I am literally writing this blog for myself as well as the rest of you. Sometimes I need a reminder of this as well. I’ve done my best to meditate, hold my crystals close and maintain my attitude of not giving up.

Your mind can either be a lovingly tended garden or a barren desert. The choice is up to you. NOTE TO SELF JASMINE. This is for you too.

– writer from jersey

Cutting People Off

Ive been meaning to write down some thoughts on cutting people off whether it’s without warning or straight up letting them know. See how you go about that depends on so many factors but the main and most important ones are going with your gut instinct and also protecting your best interests. Yes it sounds selfish. Yes it sounds unforgiving. However ask yourself these following questions.

What did this individual or individuals do to try and rectify the situation?

What actions have they taken to allow you to get to this point?

What do they bring to the table for you?

Again I am aware of how selfish and self serving this sounds but let’s be perfectly honest, everyone is looking out for themselves at the end of the day. I know I’ve cut people off personally because their actions/vibe switched up. I took notice heavily of the low key shade. I made notes on the change in their tones and demeanor when I spoke about how happy I was in life. It began to dawn on me how it felt like I was expected to give a round of applause for everyone else yet all you heard was dead silence when I spoke. Granted, I really don’t need anyone’s approval on how I live my life and the choices I make. I know for a fact I have always extended well wishes and expressed happiness to those who I am close to. I would never want to see them doing bad, being hurt or anything of that nature. Yet that same sentiment just began to not exist towards me. So I did what was necessary.

Energy is everything and if the energy I give out is not reciprocated accordingly, I made a promise to myself that I will act accordingly and unapologetically. I am merely expressing my innermost thoughts and making my point for my choices. It is not required or mandatory for me to do so but again it is my choice. Simple as that.

Has it hurt me to cut off close friends or those who I thought to be friends? Yes. Did it pain me to erase numbers, delete photos and block people from social media? Yes. However, it needed to be done. I grew tired of having to bite the bullet just because I felt like I owed people loyalty. Some people are truly seasonal yet I tried to keep them around like dearly coveted family heirlooms. I did what I had to do and I’m sure if the tables were reversed, anyone would have done the same in my shoes. Well wishes to the ones I had to let go of. It is never anything personal. Love and light to you all.

– writer from jersey

Writing Police?

Everything should have it’s proper place and time. That saying rings true for certain aspects of life but does it apply for the world of writing? I am all for improving on writing always. Constructive criticsm is welcomed but from a learning and growing standpoint. You can either learn from it and apply it to your own or grow from it with an open mind but choose to steer away from it. One thing I have never been a fan of is a person who deems themselves as the writing police.

I understand the creative realm of writing is ever evolving, People’s taste changes, common audiences shift and perhaps you the writer move on to another genre. However, you have trolls who think that their duty is to control what others do on their blogs. I understand that someone’s style or way of expressing things isn’t going to fit everyone’s box and all but we are artists just the same. One painter may prefer painting on canvas while the next may favor splatter paints. One writer may love to rhyme in every poetry piece they write. Others like myself just let the words spill out how they may. Art has no limits so who told you that you could stifle the next persons creative process?

– writer from jersey

Silver Spoon

Being fed with a silver spoon, something unheard of for me. It was more like being made to digest reality and having an upset stomach due to anxiety of what to cook for my entire family for dinner. Living off of huge amounts of caffeine because of laying awake at night thinking about the endless list of errands I had to run. Racing thoughts & a whirlwind of anger because I had to be the woman of the house. My mother had checked out a long time ago even though she still existed right before my very eyes, a shell of who she once was. I no longer lived for me. The role of parent and daughter had been reversed. Did the cycle of growing up too fast finally come back around and I was becoming my mother and also my grandmother, taking care of everyone else but abandoning herself? The answer is no. I broke out of that cycle. I moved away. I took steps for me. Yet I still want to save the world, just like them.

⁃ writer from jersey

Moment of Honesty

I haven’t written on this blog since April. I will apologize for that from the bottom of my heart. Things have been .. well hectic. I always feel as if the universe thinks I’m specially equipped for the madness because that is all I ever seem to encounter. A part of me is grateful for being so resilient. Another part of me is just like enough is enough. Let me breathe! Due to circumstances not being fitting for the sanity of myself and my girlfriend, we moved. We made that move with our best interests at heart. While I have no regrets about it, having to start over is never a picnic. I am back on the job hunt and it’s not anything new to me but this time around, it’s so much harder and frustrating. I seem to keep getting doors slammed in my face symbolically speaking and getting false hope just to have it snatched from my fingertips. I am a person who does not know how to stay still. It’s never been in my nature even as a child. (I’m sure my mother would humor you all with stories about that.) I also am a prideful human being and want to feel like I’m contributing. I love taking care of my significant other and our family but these days, I feel like I’m not. I struggle to get out of bed most days and to even do the most mundane of household tasks. I cry alone more than ever and I even find it difficult to focus when I’m meditating. Admitting to faults, flaws and weakness pains me even with writing this blog. However as I type these words out, I realize that I have to admit that I am also human. I don’t need to have it all together. I have all of the love and support I need, even more so. My girlfriend has done amazing to say the least in dealing with my ups and downs. I truly do applaud her for her patience and drive because she even has to deal with a crazy commute for her job. She still does it though day in and day out. I myself have even said that this is all lining us up for the bigger picture.

I think I’m focusing too much on the itsy bitsy details and not letting things flow. I’m beating myself up too hard over things I have no control over. I am doing all I can. I am trying which is so much more than just sitting and doing nothing. I need to hone in on the gratitude for leveling up even in the smallest of ways and allow that to make way for greater things.

This was so much more of a venting post than an updating you on what’s going on post. I feel that in writing down my thoughts and sharing my struggles, I’ll help someone and also maybe even get some help myself. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the support. I’m just thankful.

– writer from jersey

This is Love

Finally being in a healthy, loving and mature relationship in all aspects is a bit unreal sometimes. Especially when you’ve grown accustomed to the opposite. Let me just say that I am not a perfect person. I am not easy to deal with. I constantly crave reassurance and get attached. I need to be told that things are okay and not only that, be shown that with actions. People demonstrate that differently and absorb it differently as well. However I have always been the one to give more, love more and sacrifice more. It had gotten to a point that the “more” I was giving left me with nothing and drained dry. I could not find it in me to repeat the cycle of getting heavily involved just to have to rip a bandaid off abruptly because for some reason, all of the more I gave forth wasn’t enough. That all changed when my girlfriend and I got together. She was just like me. The one who gave more, felt more and sacrificed more. We both spoke that same love language of needing to be SHOWN LOVE. Words mean the world to us and we do not speak them without meaning. Actions are everything in backing up those same words and we do our best to remain consistent in those towards each other and for our relationship. I have learned the art of persistence and patience with her. I have delved deeper into my spirituality and expanding my knowledge because of her. She has inspired me so much to be more of the phenomenal woman I already was. I know for a fact she has learned from me. I’ve been witness to that. She recently had some losses but did not allow them to deter her in any way. I have watched this woman grow mentally and emotionally in such beautiful ways. She is not only my girlfriend but also my best friend, coach, confidante and the peace I’ve needed for a long time. I love how we are also not afraid to check each other if one is lacking or needing work on something whether that be how we handle a situation or reminding each other of errands that need to be done. This is what LOVE is. Real, unfiltered, unconditional love. The universe has indeed performed a masterpiece in bringing us together. I am forever grateful. I am happy. I am in love.

Move

I made a slightly reckless but fulfilling move this past week. I had went to see my girlfriend in Massachusetts because we wanted to work out a possible, complicated but doable living situation. Long distance relationships are not easy in any way, shape or form. I don’t care how anyone twists it but they can work if two individuals put in the necessary effort so the relationship can thrive and last. I originally was going to remain here for a weekend but after doing some soul searching, deep thinking and a lot of crying, I let go of my fears and decided to stay. Bold and spontaneous moves are usually my style if I’m considering what to do for a night out or how to spend my day but not life changing decisions. I am an over thinker and love to analyze every single possible scenario about a situation.

For a very long time, I have felt restricted in my parent’s home. Part of it is my own fault because I am in fact an adult. I don’t have any kids so making any move would only pose good or bad for myself. I think I easily fall into that mentality of worrying too much about what my family thinks, kind of how most scared teenagers think. Completely understandable since you are nowhere near ready to take on the real world during those times. Shit I am about to be 29 and still don’t feel THAT ready. I know so much more now than I did at the age of the 18. I have been broke, hungry, jobless and still managed to rise above all of that. Even while living in my parent’s house sometimes because I refuse to ask them for any help. I have my personal reasons for that. I really have grown tired of being at a standstill in my home and also at my job. Not being able to think clearly because I have to think for everyone else and about everyone else before I do so for myself. I also of course wanted so badly to be with my girlfriend and if this was a chance to do so until we completely can have our own, I was going to take it. I know I’d have rebuttals, disapproval and then some from my family. I mean that has always been the case with any decision I’ve made, I feel.

I know I made the right decision. Things may be a bit hard and everything but it will work out. Landed an interview within 2 days of me making the decision. I refuse to give up no matter what. Stubborn Taurus shit. I know I have not gotten into details about the actual living situation and I won’t becaue it’s altogether too private and just information that doesn’t need to be shared for now. All I know is this is the exact push of motivation both my girlfriend and I need so badly. I am with a hard shell Cancer (Lucky me LOL) and she has her moments when things get too much or intense, she retreats back into her shell. My sign is the Bull and we do not back down for shit. At the fuck all. I have told her on several occasions that her moments do not scare me. We may not have had conventional ways of doing things or starting things but they always work out.

Make that move. Lose those fears. Learn from the struggles and hard times. Rise to the beautiful successes and golden ages.

– Writer From Jersey

7am Ghosts

Drowning in rivers of pleasure brought on by your touch and presence

Being torn apart by your fingers and exploding into pieces

Ecstasy mirorroed by your eyes as they bore into mine

Forcing myself to keep quiet because this is all such a secret yet everyone knows

We crash, collide and float on waves of passion and lust until the sun comes up

7am sharp and our bodies become ghosts that once roamed your bed.