Break In The Clouds

Thank God and the universe for unexpected blessings and friends who genuinely have your back. I received a true blessing thanks to a friend of mine who put me in with one of the doctors she works for. I basically got hired on the spot because of a good word that was put in for me. I am forever grateful for that and am looking forward to taking full advantage of this opportunity.

This is the break in the clouds I have been needing for a long time. I may not go into complete detail about my current struggles but let’s just say I have been struggling. Struggling with my faith, finances, mental health, etc. I’ve been barely making it above water but some days, I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning while trying to keep others afloat. My mother reverting back to her anxiety, depression and other medical issues does not help make anything easier. I am not blaming her for my troubles as I am aware most of them are self inflicted. I think its the finality of many lessons learned that is getting me through all of this.

I just need to be ok. I need to get back to some type of stability because this constant back and forth, roller coaster ride is not for me. I know life will never be smooth sailing and challenges are meant to make us stronger but I think I have put myself through the wire enough.

– Writer From Jersey

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Falling Constantly.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about my life. I find myself in yet another sticky situation financially, job wise, mentally, emotionally. in just about every aspect you could think of. I realize now I am the source of my own problems. One huge issue I have decided to tackle is my drinking. Yes, many of you know I enjoy drinking socially but it has never been a coping mechanism for me to make it through the afternoon/evening. I have been dealing with and internalizing a lot of what is going on in my home. My mother becoming this overly dependent, needy and negative person/energy has taken a toll on my own mental health. I often feel like if I show any shred of emotion or stress, it will trigger her to go back into her own depths of despair. So I have resorted to alcohol to numb the constant anxiety I’ve felt and yes I have made it worse.

This past weekend was shitty and I fell into a dark place. I ended up spending my entire paycheck on both drinks and a hotel. I panicked and called a friend of mine as a result. I did not know what I was doing or how I even got to that point. I had no clue how I was getting home the next day. She stayed on the phone with me the entire time and that helped immensely. I managed to borrow 20 bucks from my grandmother to get home. Throughout this process on Sunday morning in getting home, I had to leave my temporary job at the hospital as I had no way of getting there. I felt like that was a means to an end. The financial toll to travel there was a burden. So now I am jobless once again. One last paycheck due to me this Friday and my job search has commenced.

I am at a loss at to what I should feel. I know something will come along but I am seriously reevaluating my approach to things again. My drinking needs to be controlled. I am the only one that can truly take control of that. I do not want to land in this position repeatedly. I really scared the living shit out of me this past weekend. I just need to rebuild, renew and recharge.

-Writer From Jersey

Breaking Point or Period of Growth..

Lately, I have been at a point that I don’t know what I am feeling or where I am going. Going through a tough breakup and also losing my job shortly thereafter really shakes you up in every aspect of the expression. I have lost a lot within these past couple of months and it is just so overwhelming having to start over again. Even thinking about the process and putting it into writing is draining. I know that it is inevitable and must be done. I am ready and also eager to take on whatever new journeys life has to offer me.

I am just filled with anger, resentment and pain. I have learned a huge lesson throughout all this. I realize that my love, attention and effort is truly not for everyone. I can’t dish out a buffet for those who are used to eating leftover scraps from the table.

– Writer From Jersey

Rising Above

one-pulse-orlandoRising Above

———-

Fear. It is something that we all have had to face

Generation after generation

Decade after decade

We’ve never had the luxury of automatic acceptance

Yet our unity has remained strong despite the constant strife

All because of our choice to simply love who we want to love ‘

We have sought refuge in eachother, certain places and in whatever avenues life offers for us to be ourselves

Yet on June 12,2016 we had that horrendously robbed from us

Without any valid reason, justification or any right

What should have been a blissful night out filled with happiness only turned into carnage, terror and utter pain caused by hate, ignorance and blatant disrespect for human life

Yes human life, because regardless of who we love, identify as or just our mere existence on this earth, we are all human.

God and any entity we choose to believe in loves us all

And to the man who took it upon himself to think he had that right to choose who lived or died,

I truly hope you are receiving the full extent of karma.

I hope your soul bleeds eternally for all of those who shed blood that night

Those who shed tears for loved ones lost

I hope fear paralyzes your entire soul for the fear you instilled on innocents

I may stand here as one woman but I am also here to speak on behalf of those precious angels who were taken from us so soon that night

We have never met before but just know I am here to show you all of the love that is within me

I am here on behalf of your families who are mourning your abscence

I am here because I too have lost a loved one due to someone else’s ignorance

I have also lost myself once before due to the ignorance of those who failed to accept me

But I remained true to myself

As I know many of you have and did so that night

Not knowing what was going to happen

I stand with Pulse. I stand with Orlando. I stand with love.

And we will continue to rise above.
-Writer From Jersey

Mental Shifts & Tumbles

Inspiration for this post ..

Click the above link for the inspiration to this piece of poetry I am about to share..


Crossing several dimensions in a matter of minutes spent with you

Floating in an endless nebula of ecstasy and rapture when I look in your eyes

Almost seems as if our connection has been destined from the start

Moments of hesitation and buildup for what’s to come overflow into buckets of consistent need for you.

I get high off the mere scent of you, the smoothness of your skin sets me on fire

I am on the edge of no return

On that delicious brink of folding into you

Collapsing against the warmth of your touch

Tread Water

treading-water03This will be the first of many posts inspired by my favorite producer Araabmuzik. I literally just discovered an instrumental by him called “Tread Water” thus inspiring this piece. Enjoy.


Stranded out at sea with a raging storm on my heels

Drowning within these waves of doubt, fear and pain

I thought I could reach the shore by now but the current keeps pulling me under

I have blacked out and woken up again only to find that I am still a castaway

No rescue seems near by.

Cried out to God and it seems He’s covered his ears in frustration

My heart is the anchor that permits me to sink deeper into the depths of the ocean

Of feelings never reciprocated and high hopes that died before they had a chance to rise

Hung unto dear life for the very last time.

Can’t tread water towards a destination that is unreachable and unknown.

-Writer From Jersey

New Beginning.

Well, here I go again starting a new blog. So fresh and so clean, clean. I felt the need to start over from my previous blog ( writerfromjersey.wordpress.com ) Although my name hasn’t changed much with the exception of adding blog to the end, I had too many remnants of the past in my old blog. I felt like I needed to go in a different direction/start the fuck over in order to grow as a writer and individual. So here is to new beginnings, growth and many posts to come!