Remaining Unapologetic

We have all had to deliver an apology to someone, whether it was willingly or needing to do so to keep the peace even if our pride was begging us not to. By nature, I always love to have the last word but alas, there are moments when I have to set my desires aside and just say “I’m sorry.” However, I have had to say those two words quite a few times at the expense of my inner peace, sanity and also my own dignity. That is not happening anymore and I will begin to delve further into why.

I am a people pleaser. I love putting a smile on a person’s face and making those I care about happy. While this may be an endearing trait to possess, it is also a source of many downfalls I have experienced throughout my life. I’ve discovered this has been one of the biggest reasons why I attract damaged individuals into my circle, relationship wise and friend wise. I am happy to say I am with someone now who recognizes this within herself as well and with that being said, we compliment each other perfectly. We are also both givers by nature so it is just a beautiful mutual exchange of give and take. But this blog post is not meant to speak on my relationship. It is for meant for “friends.”

Being a social person who is also getting older has me realizing that I am not with the shits meaning I no longer have time or patience to be apologetic to those who just flat out do not accept me as a person, any aspect of my lifestyle or do not want to see me happy. I am not one to wish ill on anyone. We can be on the outs and everything yet I will never wish badly on you. However, you do have those who pretend to care about you yet the minute you are doing better than them in the slightest, they turn their nose up at you and tell you that you are acting different. People really come into their own when you leave them on their own. That statement definitely needs a rewind button. PEOPLE REALLY COME INTO THEIR OWN WHEN YOU LEAVE THEM ON THEIR OWN. I refuse to filter what I say anywhere, whether it is via text, social media or in person to anyone. Once you show you are not easily molded, influenced or moved by someone else’s expectations, you lose value and sentiment to them, You become disposable. You become replaceable. Last time I checked, friendship should not be that way. We may have our moments of distance or disagreement but if you genuinely call me “friend”, “sis” etc, an automatic understanding should be present. Reading between the lines is a bit of a specialty of mine so I can tell the difference between a sarcastic “Glad you’re doing good.” versus a heartfelt “I’m proud of you.”

I have taken a leaf out of my girlfriend, my cousin and my best friend’s books in that I am not making myself available to just anyone. There is loyalty even after weeks of not texting or talking on the phone to those who have shown in the time that we do speak that they are always present, even in the shadows. Withdrawing from certain company really tears off those blinders you wore in a crowded room.

Focusing more on my family, relationship, and future moves is my main concern. Anyone who is not like minded, understanding or simply against it needs to go. Years do not translate into loyalty, commitment or allegiance. I have learned that yet again in 2017 and promise to remind myself of that lesson not only in this year, but forever. I refuse to apologize for being an ever progressing human being just to suit the tastes of those who want to keep chewing on the same hard old gum. My appetite for more is far too great to dine at wobbly tables with mediocre company.

– Writer From Jersey

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Not Again

I have been pretty transparent about my struggle with anxiety/depression and also my mother’s ongoing battle with the same. Only exception is that I am obviously not menopausing. I don’t think I need to go into the whole explaining what that is and the hormonal/body changes women experience during that time. Many of you know the emotional, mental and physical toll it has taken on my family and myself. My main fear is me falling into my own anxiety pit again. I have been trying to do everything I can to prevent that. I refuse to let that all familiar consuming darkness to make it’s way back into my life again. The only thing is, it is happening. I am aware. I am scared but I am also fighting like hell to not fold.

The love I have for myself as a whole has increased immensely within the past year. It has came with a hefty price tag of losing so called friends, having a relationship I thought was going to last forever end in the most stupidest of ways, and being jobless for a few months thus making me stay home & have more time to think. All of those days of hearing my thoughts bounce off the walls led me to higher heights, being grateful for my small circle of friends, a job I love and also finally being with the woman I was meant to be with all this time. I have every single reason in the universe to be happy despite the bullshit I have to go through at home because of my mother. However, anxiety looms on my shoulder and I have not been battling it in the best of ways. Yes, my drinking has increased considerably. Not to the level that I can’t function without it but I go to that first almost always when I’m extremely stressed. My girlfriend has checked me on it and I have taken measures to find other ways to combat stress. It is not easy battling this depression that threatens to cloak me. I do not want to end up like my mother. I refuse to let myself get bad again or to lose again to anxiety/depression. I literally cannot afford it.

Reminding myself that I am not the same person I was back when the anxiety/depression was bad. I have progressed on levels I did not even think were possible. To a point that I have also helped others with their similar battles, getting through breakups and shedding truth bombs left and right when the inspiration hits. I have found myself speaking words that were uttered to me when I was navigating the sea of never ending pain I threw myself into. Yet, I live with this fear of getting bad again when I know I’m strong enough to go to war if I need to.

Not only am I not the same person I was during my previous bad period, I have so much more to lose now. Because of that darkness that once covered every inch of my life, I was able to bury the carcass of a scared, heartbroken girl and embrace the lovely skin of a woman who is loved, fierce and above all else, strong.

Even while typing this post out, I have realized how I have been speaking death into my own existence. Holding my own funeral when I’m alive and well. While parts of me have been uprooted from the ground, I refuse to stop growing, thriving and letting the sun shine providing me with life needed to flourish. I needed to write this. It was indeed long overdue and a refreshing burst of motivation. Reminding myself of who I am.

– Writer From Jersey

Why I Disposed of Religion

Funny, I had this post in my drafts for a little over a week and the original title was “Losing my Religion.” Yes that R.E.M song that is quite legendary and rightly so. I had to backtrack regarding the meaning of the title and decided to change it. I think sometimes if you lose something, you harbor this hope of maybe finding it again. Well religion and anything associated with it is not something I desire to be close to or deeply affiliated with again. I shall offer you my thoughts, experiences and some of my reasons why.

Let me just start out by saying that my family was never into church in the beginning of my life here on earth. We were what I’d like to call “fake Catholics.” Only going to church when someone died, there was a first communion/confirmation and very rarely on holidays that warranted being present in church. It wasn’t until I was about 12 or 13 that my parents decided to start going to a Christian church. Correction, I had suggested going because our family had suffered 2 deaths earlier that year and home life was tense to say the least. My intentions on checking a church out was not to convert or be saved. Long story short, me becoming “saved” was because I felt like I had to be. Not because I genuinely believed in the concept or desired to completely change my life around because it would be expected of me as a “Christian.”

My parents went into it with full force. My sister was very young and kind of raised in the church from that point going forward so it was easy for her to believe in and adopt those morals. I was about to enter into the typical rebellious teenager stage and also deep in my heart, it just was not for me. I could never wrap my mind around the thought of following every command, law, principle and standard from a book written 2,000+ years ago by several hands. I also saw right through the condescending righteousness of pastors, deacons and anyone who was a dedicated member of any church. Do not get me wrong, I have encountered some individuals who stood firm in their faith but did not judge anyone who perhaps didn’t share that same faith or sentiment. I constantly felt suffocated or left on display for all to see my “sins.” Yes, I am touching on my battle of accepting my sexuality. My parents forcing me to go to church during my teenage years was a thorn in my side when it came to this. Few know or understand the internal struggles I faced, being pulled in the direction of “being like Christ” which included living a false life just to please others or embracing who I truly was despite what inevitable backlash I’d experience. Being outed at 18 for my sexuality was a blessing in disguise from the universe because as the years passed after that incident, I began to see I was living my truth. I was finally being myself.

I know this post sounds as anti-God as it can get. Well, it is. I have absolutely no shame in saying that. If believing in God means I have to also associate my character with bigotry, fear mongering, hate, hypocrisy and also barring my right to love who I love, then I refuse to believe. This has been another long battle I’ve fought even as a young child. I can recall reading the Bible at the age of 7 or 8 and flipping those pages back and forth like, how come in one section it says this but in another it says otherwise. The Bible is the most translated book of all time and I sincerely wonder why. If it is in fact what it is, why not leave it alone? I also realize with several religions, there are loads of tailoring and modifications to their original foundations to please a certain demographic or mass population. It is also sad how the Christian religion has been imposed on people throughout history and not in the most holiest of ways. Let’s get real here. I have no ties to my faith anymore. It is a more liberating feeling than being “saved.” I do not feel any imminent danger to my sanity, heart or mind no longer.

I have felt more fulfillment in spirituality and just spreading love in whatever way I can than I ever felt within the four walls of any church.

–  Writer From Jersey

The Door Is Always There

Snakes come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

So do well wishers, applauding friends and encouraging words uttered.

– Writer From Jersey

Life has been moving at the speed of light lately. I mean it always does honestly for me but I have just had this feeling of being more awake, or “woke.” I hate using that term as it is extremely overrated, but if I had to summarize how I’m feeling, that would be it. I do not see certain aspects of life the same way, friends included. This does not include my close friends who have been nothing but real in their own capacities. ( Forever grateful for yall ) This goes for those people I have outgrown. It is never anything personal as always but life takes us to different places. I have some individuals who are partaking in certain behaviors that are quite frankly fucking disturbing. Now I am by no means a prude in any way, shape or form. Nor am I judgmental or a harshly non-understanding person. I am as cooperative as they come. I cannot however stand for something I am genuinely uncomfortable with.

I am the friend everyone comes to for advice or input on things. I am not one to profess that I know everything either. I am always going to promise to give my opinion with absolutely no sugarcoating. I do not do the fake phony “oh you’re doing great sweetie” shit. I am going to tell you you’re fucking up and what are you gonna do to get to a better place? I will always push for you to do and be better because I am THAT FRIEND.

If me being that friend does not sit well with a person, the door is always there. If me being that friend makes you feel like I am of no good use for you because I’ll tell you shit you may not want to hear, the door is always there. If you ever get upset because I refuse to placate you with a lie just so you can sleep at night, THE DOOR IS ALWAYS FUCKING THERE.

If we cannot agree to disagree and you’ll attack me for giving my opinion/input/advice YOU ASKED FOR, the door is always there. I have never had any issue ending a friendship that was just hitting dead ends anyway. That’s life right? *Kanye shrug* Growth comes with eliminating the weeds and dead things from a beautiful garden.

 

– Writer From Jersey

Woman of the House.

For most women, it is a great pride and joy to take on this role. For most women, it is what they’re born for, built for and destined for. I think of myself in this way for the most part but let’s face it, I grew up with my own mother taking on the woman of the house role and also being a career woman. That same statement rings true even now in my adult life..kind of. I say kind of because my mother has not been herself on and off for the past two years.

My mom began menopausing in her early 40’s. I know she’d most likely kill me for putting her business out there for the world to see but it is for the sole purpose of writing this blog and to shed some light for the next topic. This change in her mood and character prompted several shifts in my family’s life. One of them being my role in the house. I had always chipped in when I could despite a busy work schedule and trying to maintain a social life but now I had to put a lot of things on hold. It went from me being able to take my time coming home or stopping for happy hour drinks whenever I wanted to rushing home to put dinner on the table. I had to walk on eggshells and have my patience tested with tending to my mother hand and foot because she was just incapable of doing for herself. My sister had to leave work numerous times to either drive my mother to the hospital because of an anxiety attack or to a doctor’s appointment. My father had to take on sending payments for bills, a job that was once tasked to my mother. He had to be the one going to the supermarket to do food shopping with me being by his side since I was the one in the kitchen majority of the time.  Medical bills began piling up due to these hospital and doctor visits on top of the usual regular bills. As the months and years passed, my mother did have her highs and lows. But that’s the entire point. It never seemed like she would ever return back to her normal self.

I cannot count how many times us as immediate family, close friends and doctors told my mother that the road to her getting better could only start to be walked by her. Everyone else, the medications and doctors can be there to support her but the journey can only start with her. It took a 3 day hospital stay and for myself and my father to sit her down and be like, this is enough. You have to get through the periods of anxiety and wait it out. The last ER doctor even told her that there literally is nothing they could do other than what was done already, (EKG’s to prove she wasn’t having a heart attack, MRI’s and CT scans of her brain to prove she wasn’t having a stroke, echocardiograms to prove she had no abnormalities in her heart, blood work for any other underlying causes.) What was plaguing my mother was her own anxiety that she was allowing to spiral out of control. It took us to finally draw that line and to subliminally tell my mother to get her shit together.

I know for a fact this blog has a slightly whiny/selfish undertone and I am not going to apologize for it. This blog entry does not even begin to summarize the fact that my hair was falling out, my anxiety came so close to surfacing because I felt like I was taking on the role of caretaker for someone who had a deathly terminal illness when that in fact was not the case.

It is safe to say that for the past 2 weeks, my mother has somewhat returned to her old self. I am grateful but not holding my breath as I know the nature of the beast called anxiety is unpredictable. I am going to embrace her being herself and never stop reminding her that she is strong and she is beautiful. I also cannot lose sight that I need to live life for me. I can’t drop everything for my mother or anyone in my family. Anxiety is not something to undermine or be taken lightly. It can deteriorate strong ties that once held a family together, destroy a once strong individual and make even the sanest go insane. However, the road to recovery always starts with you.

– Writer From Jersey

Hard to Love

No one is easy to deal with. I don’t care how much of an easygoing person you claim to be or how laid back you are. Everybody has their pain in the ass moments. That is perfectly okay. I can only speak from a woman’s perspective because for starters, I am one. Also, I date women so I can speak on dealing with women romantically.

I’ve been extremely guilty for saying that I am hard to love, not easy to deal with and heartless. Usually these statements come right after a heartbreak or when life is not quite going my way.  The negative backlash these sentences carry have been great. Thinking back to when I was closed off and unwilling to allow anyone in, I permitted for myself to become who hurt me and turn into this person who in reality was not me at all. I could have had chances with women who would have treated me like the queen I am but I let my past dictate to me how my present would turn out. I was hindering my own progression and growth.

Heartbreak and everything that encompasses it sucks. We all know that to be a fact. The interesting part about that process is LIFE GOES ON. That very well may be the last thing you want to hear. It may sound damn near impossible at the moment but there is life after heartbreak. What I could not find in another person, I learned I could find that from within. I took back my own happiness and grew to enjoy my own company. However, I have only recently began to explore embracing the concept of allowing someone in, if the vibe is right of course. All in due time.

Extremely satisfied with finally posting as I was without a laptop for the past 2 months due to my old charger breaking. Thanks to my dad, I am up and running. Thank you to my faithful readers/followers for your patience and dedication to visiting my blog. I write for you guys as always.

–  Jasmine (Writer From Jersey)

Talking With My Demons

Having daily conversations with my demons has proven to be both beneficial and destructive. Discovering things about myself I don’t want to face but my hand is forced to do so. I talk to the demon called alcohol dependency and while it hasn’t taken on it’s full form, it beckons to me to keep picking up that bottle and making myself broke as I swipe my card for more drinks. Demon of depression shouts that I’ll never see the sun again and this black cloud of misery will forever hover over my tired body. Anxiety demon wakes me up faithfully through the night and early in the morning telling me to wake up in fear of facing the day, filling my mind with uncontrollable thoughts of uncertainty. Body image demon has my reflection distorted in the mirror of an ugly, unlovable and undesirable person, what with the weight I’ve gained these past two years, the pounds I’ve neglected to shed. I speak to all of these ugly creatures on a daily basis and sometimes when I beg and plead, they go away but they come back faithfully.

Fighting back tears as I have every single one of them rearing their heads currently. I fight demons. I fight them with the hope and faith of God and the universe I serve. This is one form of violence I’ll never get tired of participating in. It is the fight for my life, my happiness, my soul.

 – Writer From Jersey

Self Sufficiency

You are always more than enough. Never let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel anything less than that. I have recently known what putting this into practice feels like.

I am never one to take my own advice. Then again, who does in reality? We are all guilty of providing wise advice to our family and friends yet do we practice what we preach? Most times, we don’t. & that’s perfectly okay if a lesson is learned down along the line. I know for a fact I usually end up learning lessons the hard way due to my stubborn nature. This lesson of self sufficiency is a tough pill to swallow. I will not sugarcoat that in any way.

I look back over the years and see that I have always felt this compulsion to be involved with someone, whether it was a relationship, fling, friends with benefits etc. I get attached way too easily and I love hard. This has been a source of frustration within myself because I see that not everyone thinks that way. Some people are not built for relationships and that’s fine. I feel like I have came across women who make it appear that they want a relationship or to be involved with someone yet when shit gets real, they distance themselves, thus leaving me disappointed and like well damn! I understand everyone is different. I get that we all have our pasts, hangups, flaws, whatever. I just truly feel some individuals do not know themselves or have taken the time to do so, which results in them wasting valuable time they or the person they were involved with cant take back.

I am just tired. I am not angry at anyone from my past by any means. I have forgiven, made amends and moved on from things. It would just be nice to find someone who makes their intentions known and remains consistent. I am not getting any younger and I do not have time to waste. I have a lot to offer and want to be able to share that with someone. The right person. In the mean time, I am proud to say I have grown content with my own company. As always, I am learning about myself as time goes on and I am growing. That is what matters always

– Writer From Jersey

Distance Between Myself and Everyone Else

It seems that with every single year, my circle of friends becomes smaller..and smaller…to nonexistent almost. I am by nature a social butterfly.  I enjoy meeting new people and can spark up conversations with random strangers at bars/public places with ease. Many who have met me in my post high school years find it extremely hard to believe that I was a shy bookworm in my middle school/early high school years. I was almost voted “Most Shy” in middle school but that vote was given to my then best friend. However, I have my moments that I want to be left alone. I get into my antisocial mode and tune the world out. This often happens when I am depressed or stressed out. I still try to function and be social and basically be the best friend I can be to those that are near and dear to my heart.

Apparently, even that is not enough for some people.

I have come to the realization that you can only do your best, in your own capacity and to your own abilities. You can’t please everyone. Age old saying that rings true in many life situations. YOU deal with the consequences, obstacles, hurdles and high points life throws at you. Not your family, not your significant other, not your friends, YOU. So guess who you need to take care of first? YOU. While many will view that as being selfish,  they won’t understand how many times you have sacrificed your feelings or sanity just to see a smile on your face. They can’t bring back the clock on all that time you invested in them. Memories and words cannot be erased from one’s mind. People won’t ever comprehend why you cancel dinner dates because you genuinely feel tired before you get ready in the slightest. They take it personal when you don’t text as much but fail to see that you have way too much on your mind and are too occupied with your thoughts to even remember sending a text. Plus, the phone works both ways and there is also social media. Take heed that we do live in a society that makes it 100000000000 times easier to communicate with people in various ways. Bottom line is, most individuals want it to be about them all of the time but won’t let go of that enthusiastically selfish attitude to think about others.

We are all adults. Adult life truly does not have free time like when we were in our childhood and adolescent years. We have obligations, priorities, bills. responsibilities, kids, and a million other lovely things that occupy our time and thoughts. While it is important to separate from those things and check up on our friends, we should not take it personal if a friend is not talking to us like they used to. Everyone is going through life at their own pace. Everyone is going through their shit. Try being understanding for a change.

I do not speak to many people on a daily basis anymore. It is not anything personal. It never will be anything personal. I am merely getting my shit together and separating myself from the world bit by bit because I have stretched myself too thin and I need to regroup and recharge. If anyone were to call themselves a real friend to me, they would understand. They would support me. Just as I would do for them.

  • – Writer From Jersey

Falling Constantly.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about my life. I find myself in yet another sticky situation financially, job wise, mentally, emotionally. in just about every aspect you could think of. I realize now I am the source of my own problems. One huge issue I have decided to tackle is my drinking. Yes, many of you know I enjoy drinking socially but it has never been a coping mechanism for me to make it through the afternoon/evening. I have been dealing with and internalizing a lot of what is going on in my home. My mother becoming this overly dependent, needy and negative person/energy has taken a toll on my own mental health. I often feel like if I show any shred of emotion or stress, it will trigger her to go back into her own depths of despair. So I have resorted to alcohol to numb the constant anxiety I’ve felt and yes I have made it worse.

This past weekend was shitty and I fell into a dark place. I ended up spending my entire paycheck on both drinks and a hotel. I panicked and called a friend of mine as a result. I did not know what I was doing or how I even got to that point. I had no clue how I was getting home the next day. She stayed on the phone with me the entire time and that helped immensely. I managed to borrow 20 bucks from my grandmother to get home. Throughout this process on Sunday morning in getting home, I had to leave my temporary job at the hospital as I had no way of getting there. I felt like that was a means to an end. The financial toll to travel there was a burden. So now I am jobless once again. One last paycheck due to me this Friday and my job search has commenced.

I am at a loss at to what I should feel. I know something will come along but I am seriously reevaluating my approach to things again. My drinking needs to be controlled. I am the only one that can truly take control of that. I do not want to land in this position repeatedly. I really scared the living shit out of me this past weekend. I just need to rebuild, renew and recharge.

-Writer From Jersey