Mother or Child Now?

Purely sick and tired of my mother. Fully aware that I have written about her in past blog posts. My tone varies from being sad to downright angry about how she’s given up blatantly on herself and everything to be honest. I am the only one in my house who can read in between the lines of not only what she says but more importantly, what she does. I pick up on patterns, habits, everything. I won’t say she doesn’t have a legit issue because she does. Currently awaiting to schedule a surgery for her. I have my mixed emotions about this because for the longest, we thought it was anxiety she was dealing with. That very well could have been part of it. However, I am beyond irritated at how she has had us running in circles and by us, I also mean her doctors too. Countless hospital and doctor visits, testing etc all for it to be an issue with your back?!?! All of this could have been resolved or well on it’s way to being resolved had SHE taken time and effort to understand her fucking symptoms. I feel like my mother was just waiting for an answer to fall from the damn sky and refused to acknowledge that it starts with HER. How do you struggle with something for long and don’t have any fucking idea how to manage it or adequately put your finger on what exactly is going on with you?

I also cannot stand how everyone is victimizing her and further enabling her “woe is me” tendencies. I’m looking at her like did you finally get what the fuck you wanted? You’re on short term disability and don’t need to go to your miserable ass job or lift a finger to do any real work. Congrats mom on successfully being a victim and a sad waste.

I sound very angry and resentful. I am aware. If you put up with half the shit I do in not even being able to enjoy your days off without having to cater to someone constantly, you’d understand.

Vent over.

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What’s It Gonna Be?

Interesting question, isnt it? What’s it gonna be? Of course that clearly shows that you’re at a point of reaching an ultimatum or breaking point. You’ve gotta either go left or right, stay silent or speak up, remain awake or fall asleep. I just had to throw some obvious examples that would give some light to the title of this post. This is a question I find myself asking my immediate family with regard to them accepting my sexuality in their own way.

I wont go into details of my coming out story as I am sure I have done so in various posts. I will say that it hasnt been until the end of 2016 that my parents were fully aware and in realization of me being gay. I mean they have known about it since 2007 but were in denial about it. I do acknowledge my part in it since I myself always treated it as the elephant in the room. Being semi raised in a religious family for my adolescence into my adult years has proven it quite hard to bring up the conversation. As much as they can say they respect it and accept it,  it still makes them uncomfortable. I can understand to a point because it goes against everything they have grown to believe in and of course, it is not an easy pill to swallow seeing that your daughter/sister is not going through a phase.  This is real. This is who she is. I can honestly say that I have not acquiesed to “allowing them to sleep at night” by trying to date men. I had gone on with that charade during my teen years and I refused to endure any of that being an adult. With that being said, my parents and sister have expressed that despite them not being comopletely accepting of my sexuality, they will respect it and want me to be more open/honest about it.

Ever since my recent relationship began, I have been as transparent as I can possibly be with my family. I do not desire nor want to shield anything from them anymore. What is the point? I am 28 going on 29 and I know for a fact that this is one part of me as a person that is not going to change. I casually mention my girlfriend sometimes and I can just immediately sense the discomfort. I can read in between the quiet moments following a statement I make about her. Quite frankly, I am completely dumbfounded, confused and the like. On one hand, I get it is a fairly new relationship they are hearing about but then again, I’m like isnt this what you all wanted? For me to be more open about this aspect of myself. How can you get my hopes up and throw open a door I thought would remain closed forever only to slam it shut in my face again? This is only scratching the surface as to why I really have grown resentful towards my family. I try to give them chances time and time again thinking that if I let down some of my own pride that they would do the same. And I keep being let down over and over.

I truly did not mean for this to take on a “woe is me” turn. Their behavior does not surprise me one bit. I did know better this time around that me being honest wouldn’t neccesarily translate into them asking questions, showing interest or acting like they fucking care despite their rigid beliefs. I do know that when the time comes for me to leave my house and have my own life on my terms fully, they will not hear from me as often and wonder why. I know this from a previous experience and the response I will give is this, “You should have cared when I was around. You should have asked when I was present. You should have embraced me when I was physically nearby.”

I have braced myself for years of having to live a life without the support of my immediate family, from where it matters most. The hurt that stems from this is a dull ache most days but sometimes, it hits me hard. It makes me wonder how I will feel on my wedding day not being able to look my mother in the eyes and hear her say, “you got this.” Not being able to hold my sister’s hand in pure giddiness or have my father walk me down the aisle. Not having my mother be there to guide me through motherhood when I have my first child or to even hold her hand tightly while I bring my first child into this earth. I can view it as me being the one losing out but in actuality, they are the ones who will lose out. Miserably at that. I look back at the past 10 or 11 years and I know for a fact I have never lost an ounce of sleep because I am living my truth. I am and have always been happy for being who I am. As I have stated in a previous blog post, if believing in God will make me lose loved ones or have me struggle to adhere to an impossible standard of perfection, revolving my life around it and just trying to be someone I’m not, I want no part of it. Life should be lived freely and without limitations and happily, not bound by man made principles and trying to be like a deity whos persona is widely misinterpreted and vastly questionable due to its followers.

Be fucking proud of who you are no matter who likes it or not. Even those from your own bloodline.

– Writer From Jersey

Remaining Unapologetic

We have all had to deliver an apology to someone, whether it was willingly or needing to do so to keep the peace even if our pride was begging us not to. By nature, I always love to have the last word but alas, there are moments when I have to set my desires aside and just say “I’m sorry.” However, I have had to say those two words quite a few times at the expense of my inner peace, sanity and also my own dignity. That is not happening anymore and I will begin to delve further into why.

I am a people pleaser. I love putting a smile on a person’s face and making those I care about happy. While this may be an endearing trait to possess, it is also a source of many downfalls I have experienced throughout my life. I’ve discovered this has been one of the biggest reasons why I attract damaged individuals into my circle, relationship wise and friend wise. I am happy to say I am with someone now who recognizes this within herself as well and with that being said, we compliment each other perfectly. We are also both givers by nature so it is just a beautiful mutual exchange of give and take. But this blog post is not meant to speak on my relationship. It is for meant for “friends.”

Being a social person who is also getting older has me realizing that I am not with the shits meaning I no longer have time or patience to be apologetic to those who just flat out do not accept me as a person, any aspect of my lifestyle or do not want to see me happy. I am not one to wish ill on anyone. We can be on the outs and everything yet I will never wish badly on you. However, you do have those who pretend to care about you yet the minute you are doing better than them in the slightest, they turn their nose up at you and tell you that you are acting different. People really come into their own when you leave them on their own. That statement definitely needs a rewind button. PEOPLE REALLY COME INTO THEIR OWN WHEN YOU LEAVE THEM ON THEIR OWN. I refuse to filter what I say anywhere, whether it is via text, social media or in person to anyone. Once you show you are not easily molded, influenced or moved by someone else’s expectations, you lose value and sentiment to them, You become disposable. You become replaceable. Last time I checked, friendship should not be that way. We may have our moments of distance or disagreement but if you genuinely call me “friend”, “sis” etc, an automatic understanding should be present. Reading between the lines is a bit of a specialty of mine so I can tell the difference between a sarcastic “Glad you’re doing good.” versus a heartfelt “I’m proud of you.”

I have taken a leaf out of my girlfriend, my cousin and my best friend’s books in that I am not making myself available to just anyone. There is loyalty even after weeks of not texting or talking on the phone to those who have shown in the time that we do speak that they are always present, even in the shadows. Withdrawing from certain company really tears off those blinders you wore in a crowded room.

Focusing more on my family, relationship, and future moves is my main concern. Anyone who is not like minded, understanding or simply against it needs to go. Years do not translate into loyalty, commitment or allegiance. I have learned that yet again in 2017 and promise to remind myself of that lesson not only in this year, but forever. I refuse to apologize for being an ever progressing human being just to suit the tastes of those who want to keep chewing on the same hard old gum. My appetite for more is far too great to dine at wobbly tables with mediocre company.

– Writer From Jersey

Not Again

I have been pretty transparent about my struggle with anxiety/depression and also my mother’s ongoing battle with the same. Only exception is that I am obviously not menopausing. I don’t think I need to go into the whole explaining what that is and the hormonal/body changes women experience during that time. Many of you know the emotional, mental and physical toll it has taken on my family and myself. My main fear is me falling into my own anxiety pit again. I have been trying to do everything I can to prevent that. I refuse to let that all familiar consuming darkness to make it’s way back into my life again. The only thing is, it is happening. I am aware. I am scared but I am also fighting like hell to not fold.

The love I have for myself as a whole has increased immensely within the past year. It has came with a hefty price tag of losing so called friends, having a relationship I thought was going to last forever end in the most stupidest of ways, and being jobless for a few months thus making me stay home & have more time to think. All of those days of hearing my thoughts bounce off the walls led me to higher heights, being grateful for my small circle of friends, a job I love and also finally being with the woman I was meant to be with all this time. I have every single reason in the universe to be happy despite the bullshit I have to go through at home because of my mother. However, anxiety looms on my shoulder and I have not been battling it in the best of ways. Yes, my drinking has increased considerably. Not to the level that I can’t function without it but I go to that first almost always when I’m extremely stressed. My girlfriend has checked me on it and I have taken measures to find other ways to combat stress. It is not easy battling this depression that threatens to cloak me. I do not want to end up like my mother. I refuse to let myself get bad again or to lose again to anxiety/depression. I literally cannot afford it.

Reminding myself that I am not the same person I was back when the anxiety/depression was bad. I have progressed on levels I did not even think were possible. To a point that I have also helped others with their similar battles, getting through breakups and shedding truth bombs left and right when the inspiration hits. I have found myself speaking words that were uttered to me when I was navigating the sea of never ending pain I threw myself into. Yet, I live with this fear of getting bad again when I know I’m strong enough to go to war if I need to.

Not only am I not the same person I was during my previous bad period, I have so much more to lose now. Because of that darkness that once covered every inch of my life, I was able to bury the carcass of a scared, heartbroken girl and embrace the lovely skin of a woman who is loved, fierce and above all else, strong.

Even while typing this post out, I have realized how I have been speaking death into my own existence. Holding my own funeral when I’m alive and well. While parts of me have been uprooted from the ground, I refuse to stop growing, thriving and letting the sun shine providing me with life needed to flourish. I needed to write this. It was indeed long overdue and a refreshing burst of motivation. Reminding myself of who I am.

– Writer From Jersey

Why I Disposed of Religion

Funny, I had this post in my drafts for a little over a week and the original title was “Losing my Religion.” Yes that R.E.M song that is quite legendary and rightly so. I had to backtrack regarding the meaning of the title and decided to change it. I think sometimes if you lose something, you harbor this hope of maybe finding it again. Well religion and anything associated with it is not something I desire to be close to or deeply affiliated with again. I shall offer you my thoughts, experiences and some of my reasons why.

Let me just start out by saying that my family was never into church in the beginning of my life here on earth. We were what I’d like to call “fake Catholics.” Only going to church when someone died, there was a first communion/confirmation and very rarely on holidays that warranted being present in church. It wasn’t until I was about 12 or 13 that my parents decided to start going to a Christian church. Correction, I had suggested going because our family had suffered 2 deaths earlier that year and home life was tense to say the least. My intentions on checking a church out was not to convert or be saved. Long story short, me becoming “saved” was because I felt like I had to be. Not because I genuinely believed in the concept or desired to completely change my life around because it would be expected of me as a “Christian.”

My parents went into it with full force. My sister was very young and kind of raised in the church from that point going forward so it was easy for her to believe in and adopt those morals. I was about to enter into the typical rebellious teenager stage and also deep in my heart, it just was not for me. I could never wrap my mind around the thought of following every command, law, principle and standard from a book written 2,000+ years ago by several hands. I also saw right through the condescending righteousness of pastors, deacons and anyone who was a dedicated member of any church. Do not get me wrong, I have encountered some individuals who stood firm in their faith but did not judge anyone who perhaps didn’t share that same faith or sentiment. I constantly felt suffocated or left on display for all to see my “sins.” Yes, I am touching on my battle of accepting my sexuality. My parents forcing me to go to church during my teenage years was a thorn in my side when it came to this. Few know or understand the internal struggles I faced, being pulled in the direction of “being like Christ” which included living a false life just to please others or embracing who I truly was despite what inevitable backlash I’d experience. Being outed at 18 for my sexuality was a blessing in disguise from the universe because as the years passed after that incident, I began to see I was living my truth. I was finally being myself.

I know this post sounds as anti-God as it can get. Well, it is. I have absolutely no shame in saying that. If believing in God means I have to also associate my character with bigotry, fear mongering, hate, hypocrisy and also barring my right to love who I love, then I refuse to believe. This has been another long battle I’ve fought even as a young child. I can recall reading the Bible at the age of 7 or 8 and flipping those pages back and forth like, how come in one section it says this but in another it says otherwise. The Bible is the most translated book of all time and I sincerely wonder why. If it is in fact what it is, why not leave it alone? I also realize with several religions, there are loads of tailoring and modifications to their original foundations to please a certain demographic or mass population. It is also sad how the Christian religion has been imposed on people throughout history and not in the most holiest of ways. Let’s get real here. I have no ties to my faith anymore. It is a more liberating feeling than being “saved.” I do not feel any imminent danger to my sanity, heart or mind no longer.

I have felt more fulfillment in spirituality and just spreading love in whatever way I can than I ever felt within the four walls of any church.

–  Writer From Jersey

The Door Is Always There

Snakes come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

So do well wishers, applauding friends and encouraging words uttered.

– Writer From Jersey

Life has been moving at the speed of light lately. I mean it always does honestly for me but I have just had this feeling of being more awake, or “woke.” I hate using that term as it is extremely overrated, but if I had to summarize how I’m feeling, that would be it. I do not see certain aspects of life the same way, friends included. This does not include my close friends who have been nothing but real in their own capacities. ( Forever grateful for yall ) This goes for those people I have outgrown. It is never anything personal as always but life takes us to different places. I have some individuals who are partaking in certain behaviors that are quite frankly fucking disturbing. Now I am by no means a prude in any way, shape or form. Nor am I judgmental or a harshly non-understanding person. I am as cooperative as they come. I cannot however stand for something I am genuinely uncomfortable with.

I am the friend everyone comes to for advice or input on things. I am not one to profess that I know everything either. I am always going to promise to give my opinion with absolutely no sugarcoating. I do not do the fake phony “oh you’re doing great sweetie” shit. I am going to tell you you’re fucking up and what are you gonna do to get to a better place? I will always push for you to do and be better because I am THAT FRIEND.

If me being that friend does not sit well with a person, the door is always there. If me being that friend makes you feel like I am of no good use for you because I’ll tell you shit you may not want to hear, the door is always there. If you ever get upset because I refuse to placate you with a lie just so you can sleep at night, THE DOOR IS ALWAYS FUCKING THERE.

If we cannot agree to disagree and you’ll attack me for giving my opinion/input/advice YOU ASKED FOR, the door is always there. I have never had any issue ending a friendship that was just hitting dead ends anyway. That’s life right? *Kanye shrug* Growth comes with eliminating the weeds and dead things from a beautiful garden.

 

– Writer From Jersey

Woman of the House.

For most women, it is a great pride and joy to take on this role. For most women, it is what they’re born for, built for and destined for. I think of myself in this way for the most part but let’s face it, I grew up with my own mother taking on the woman of the house role and also being a career woman. That same statement rings true even now in my adult life..kind of. I say kind of because my mother has not been herself on and off for the past two years.

My mom began menopausing in her early 40’s. I know she’d most likely kill me for putting her business out there for the world to see but it is for the sole purpose of writing this blog and to shed some light for the next topic. This change in her mood and character prompted several shifts in my family’s life. One of them being my role in the house. I had always chipped in when I could despite a busy work schedule and trying to maintain a social life but now I had to put a lot of things on hold. It went from me being able to take my time coming home or stopping for happy hour drinks whenever I wanted to rushing home to put dinner on the table. I had to walk on eggshells and have my patience tested with tending to my mother hand and foot because she was just incapable of doing for herself. My sister had to leave work numerous times to either drive my mother to the hospital because of an anxiety attack or to a doctor’s appointment. My father had to take on sending payments for bills, a job that was once tasked to my mother. He had to be the one going to the supermarket to do food shopping with me being by his side since I was the one in the kitchen majority of the time.  Medical bills began piling up due to these hospital and doctor visits on top of the usual regular bills. As the months and years passed, my mother did have her highs and lows. But that’s the entire point. It never seemed like she would ever return back to her normal self.

I cannot count how many times us as immediate family, close friends and doctors told my mother that the road to her getting better could only start to be walked by her. Everyone else, the medications and doctors can be there to support her but the journey can only start with her. It took a 3 day hospital stay and for myself and my father to sit her down and be like, this is enough. You have to get through the periods of anxiety and wait it out. The last ER doctor even told her that there literally is nothing they could do other than what was done already, (EKG’s to prove she wasn’t having a heart attack, MRI’s and CT scans of her brain to prove she wasn’t having a stroke, echocardiograms to prove she had no abnormalities in her heart, blood work for any other underlying causes.) What was plaguing my mother was her own anxiety that she was allowing to spiral out of control. It took us to finally draw that line and to subliminally tell my mother to get her shit together.

I know for a fact this blog has a slightly whiny/selfish undertone and I am not going to apologize for it. This blog entry does not even begin to summarize the fact that my hair was falling out, my anxiety came so close to surfacing because I felt like I was taking on the role of caretaker for someone who had a deathly terminal illness when that in fact was not the case.

It is safe to say that for the past 2 weeks, my mother has somewhat returned to her old self. I am grateful but not holding my breath as I know the nature of the beast called anxiety is unpredictable. I am going to embrace her being herself and never stop reminding her that she is strong and she is beautiful. I also cannot lose sight that I need to live life for me. I can’t drop everything for my mother or anyone in my family. Anxiety is not something to undermine or be taken lightly. It can deteriorate strong ties that once held a family together, destroy a once strong individual and make even the sanest go insane. However, the road to recovery always starts with you.

– Writer From Jersey

Hard to Love

No one is easy to deal with. I don’t care how much of an easygoing person you claim to be or how laid back you are. Everybody has their pain in the ass moments. That is perfectly okay. I can only speak from a woman’s perspective because for starters, I am one. Also, I date women so I can speak on dealing with women romantically.

I’ve been extremely guilty for saying that I am hard to love, not easy to deal with and heartless. Usually these statements come right after a heartbreak or when life is not quite going my way.  The negative backlash these sentences carry have been great. Thinking back to when I was closed off and unwilling to allow anyone in, I permitted for myself to become who hurt me and turn into this person who in reality was not me at all. I could have had chances with women who would have treated me like the queen I am but I let my past dictate to me how my present would turn out. I was hindering my own progression and growth.

Heartbreak and everything that encompasses it sucks. We all know that to be a fact. The interesting part about that process is LIFE GOES ON. That very well may be the last thing you want to hear. It may sound damn near impossible at the moment but there is life after heartbreak. What I could not find in another person, I learned I could find that from within. I took back my own happiness and grew to enjoy my own company. However, I have only recently began to explore embracing the concept of allowing someone in, if the vibe is right of course. All in due time.

Extremely satisfied with finally posting as I was without a laptop for the past 2 months due to my old charger breaking. Thanks to my dad, I am up and running. Thank you to my faithful readers/followers for your patience and dedication to visiting my blog. I write for you guys as always.

–  Jasmine (Writer From Jersey)

Talking With My Demons

Having daily conversations with my demons has proven to be both beneficial and destructive. Discovering things about myself I don’t want to face but my hand is forced to do so. I talk to the demon called alcohol dependency and while it hasn’t taken on it’s full form, it beckons to me to keep picking up that bottle and making myself broke as I swipe my card for more drinks. Demon of depression shouts that I’ll never see the sun again and this black cloud of misery will forever hover over my tired body. Anxiety demon wakes me up faithfully through the night and early in the morning telling me to wake up in fear of facing the day, filling my mind with uncontrollable thoughts of uncertainty. Body image demon has my reflection distorted in the mirror of an ugly, unlovable and undesirable person, what with the weight I’ve gained these past two years, the pounds I’ve neglected to shed. I speak to all of these ugly creatures on a daily basis and sometimes when I beg and plead, they go away but they come back faithfully.

Fighting back tears as I have every single one of them rearing their heads currently. I fight demons. I fight them with the hope and faith of God and the universe I serve. This is one form of violence I’ll never get tired of participating in. It is the fight for my life, my happiness, my soul.

 – Writer From Jersey

Self Sufficiency

You are always more than enough. Never let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel anything less than that. I have recently known what putting this into practice feels like.

I am never one to take my own advice. Then again, who does in reality? We are all guilty of providing wise advice to our family and friends yet do we practice what we preach? Most times, we don’t. & that’s perfectly okay if a lesson is learned down along the line. I know for a fact I usually end up learning lessons the hard way due to my stubborn nature. This lesson of self sufficiency is a tough pill to swallow. I will not sugarcoat that in any way.

I look back over the years and see that I have always felt this compulsion to be involved with someone, whether it was a relationship, fling, friends with benefits etc. I get attached way too easily and I love hard. This has been a source of frustration within myself because I see that not everyone thinks that way. Some people are not built for relationships and that’s fine. I feel like I have came across women who make it appear that they want a relationship or to be involved with someone yet when shit gets real, they distance themselves, thus leaving me disappointed and like well damn! I understand everyone is different. I get that we all have our pasts, hangups, flaws, whatever. I just truly feel some individuals do not know themselves or have taken the time to do so, which results in them wasting valuable time they or the person they were involved with cant take back.

I am just tired. I am not angry at anyone from my past by any means. I have forgiven, made amends and moved on from things. It would just be nice to find someone who makes their intentions known and remains consistent. I am not getting any younger and I do not have time to waste. I have a lot to offer and want to be able to share that with someone. The right person. In the mean time, I am proud to say I have grown content with my own company. As always, I am learning about myself as time goes on and I am growing. That is what matters always

– Writer From Jersey