Talking With My Demons

Having daily conversations with my demons has proven to be both beneficial and destructive. Discovering things about myself I don’t want to face but my hand is forced to do so. I talk to the demon called alcohol dependency and while it hasn’t taken on it’s full form, it beckons to me to keep picking up that bottle and making myself broke as I swipe my card for more drinks. Demon of depression shouts that I’ll never see the sun again and this black cloud of misery will forever hover over my tired body. Anxiety demon wakes me up faithfully through the night and early in the morning telling me to wake up in fear of facing the day, filling my mind with uncontrollable thoughts of uncertainty. Body image demon has my reflection distorted in the mirror of an ugly, unlovable and undesirable person, what with the weight I’ve gained these past two years, the pounds I’ve neglected to shed. I speak to all of these ugly creatures on a daily basis and sometimes when I beg and plead, they go away but they come back faithfully.

Fighting back tears as I have every single one of them rearing their heads currently. I fight demons. I fight them with the hope and faith of God and the universe I serve. This is one form of violence I’ll never get tired of participating in. It is the fight for my life, my happiness, my soul.

 – Writer From Jersey

Self Sufficiency

You are always more than enough. Never let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel anything less than that. I have recently known what putting this into practice feels like.

I am never one to take my own advice. Then again, who does in reality? We are all guilty of providing wise advice to our family and friends yet do we practice what we preach? Most times, we don’t. & that’s perfectly okay if a lesson is learned down along the line. I know for a fact I usually end up learning lessons the hard way due to my stubborn nature. This lesson of self sufficiency is a tough pill to swallow. I will not sugarcoat that in any way.

I look back over the years and see that I have always felt this compulsion to be involved with someone, whether it was a relationship, fling, friends with benefits etc. I get attached way too easily and I love hard. This has been a source of frustration within myself because I see that not everyone thinks that way. Some people are not built for relationships and that’s fine. I feel like I have came across women who make it appear that they want a relationship or to be involved with someone yet when shit gets real, they distance themselves, thus leaving me disappointed and like well damn! I understand everyone is different. I get that we all have our pasts, hangups, flaws, whatever. I just truly feel some individuals do not know themselves or have taken the time to do so, which results in them wasting valuable time they or the person they were involved with cant take back.

I am just tired. I am not angry at anyone from my past by any means. I have forgiven, made amends and moved on from things. It would just be nice to find someone who makes their intentions known and remains consistent. I am not getting any younger and I do not have time to waste. I have a lot to offer and want to be able to share that with someone. The right person. In the mean time, I am proud to say I have grown content with my own company. As always, I am learning about myself as time goes on and I am growing. That is what matters always

– Writer From Jersey

Distance Between Myself and Everyone Else

It seems that with every single year, my circle of friends becomes smaller..and smaller…to nonexistent almost. I am by nature a social butterfly.  I enjoy meeting new people and can spark up conversations with random strangers at bars/public places with ease. Many who have met me in my post high school years find it extremely hard to believe that I was a shy bookworm in my middle school/early high school years. I was almost voted “Most Shy” in middle school but that vote was given to my then best friend. However, I have my moments that I want to be left alone. I get into my antisocial mode and tune the world out. This often happens when I am depressed or stressed out. I still try to function and be social and basically be the best friend I can be to those that are near and dear to my heart.

Apparently, even that is not enough for some people.

I have come to the realization that you can only do your best, in your own capacity and to your own abilities. You can’t please everyone. Age old saying that rings true in many life situations. YOU deal with the consequences, obstacles, hurdles and high points life throws at you. Not your family, not your significant other, not your friends, YOU. So guess who you need to take care of first? YOU. While many will view that as being selfish,  they won’t understand how many times you have sacrificed your feelings or sanity just to see a smile on your face. They can’t bring back the clock on all that time you invested in them. Memories and words cannot be erased from one’s mind. People won’t ever comprehend why you cancel dinner dates because you genuinely feel tired before you get ready in the slightest. They take it personal when you don’t text as much but fail to see that you have way too much on your mind and are too occupied with your thoughts to even remember sending a text. Plus, the phone works both ways and there is also social media. Take heed that we do live in a society that makes it 100000000000 times easier to communicate with people in various ways. Bottom line is, most individuals want it to be about them all of the time but won’t let go of that enthusiastically selfish attitude to think about others.

We are all adults. Adult life truly does not have free time like when we were in our childhood and adolescent years. We have obligations, priorities, bills. responsibilities, kids, and a million other lovely things that occupy our time and thoughts. While it is important to separate from those things and check up on our friends, we should not take it personal if a friend is not talking to us like they used to. Everyone is going through life at their own pace. Everyone is going through their shit. Try being understanding for a change.

I do not speak to many people on a daily basis anymore. It is not anything personal. It never will be anything personal. I am merely getting my shit together and separating myself from the world bit by bit because I have stretched myself too thin and I need to regroup and recharge. If anyone were to call themselves a real friend to me, they would understand. They would support me. Just as I would do for them.

  • – Writer From Jersey

Falling Constantly.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about my life. I find myself in yet another sticky situation financially, job wise, mentally, emotionally. in just about every aspect you could think of. I realize now I am the source of my own problems. One huge issue I have decided to tackle is my drinking. Yes, many of you know I enjoy drinking socially but it has never been a coping mechanism for me to make it through the afternoon/evening. I have been dealing with and internalizing a lot of what is going on in my home. My mother becoming this overly dependent, needy and negative person/energy has taken a toll on my own mental health. I often feel like if I show any shred of emotion or stress, it will trigger her to go back into her own depths of despair. So I have resorted to alcohol to numb the constant anxiety I’ve felt and yes I have made it worse.

This past weekend was shitty and I fell into a dark place. I ended up spending my entire paycheck on both drinks and a hotel. I panicked and called a friend of mine as a result. I did not know what I was doing or how I even got to that point. I had no clue how I was getting home the next day. She stayed on the phone with me the entire time and that helped immensely. I managed to borrow 20 bucks from my grandmother to get home. Throughout this process on Sunday morning in getting home, I had to leave my temporary job at the hospital as I had no way of getting there. I felt like that was a means to an end. The financial toll to travel there was a burden. So now I am jobless once again. One last paycheck due to me this Friday and my job search has commenced.

I am at a loss at to what I should feel. I know something will come along but I am seriously reevaluating my approach to things again. My drinking needs to be controlled. I am the only one that can truly take control of that. I do not want to land in this position repeatedly. I really scared the living shit out of me this past weekend. I just need to rebuild, renew and recharge.

-Writer From Jersey

Disconnect 

My emotions have been all over the place as of late.  I have had many ups and downs, unexpected twists and turns in my life. I know life is never going to be one of those predictable, smooth sailing or easy going things. It is that same understanding that has me questioning the validity, loyalty and places of several people in my life. I am never going to sit here and say that I am without flaw or that I am always right. I have this tendency of disconnecting from  people but me doing that never results from anything personal. I do it for my own well being and emotional sanity. And I always get that others may need that as well so I never take it personal if I don’t hear from someone for some time. I realize I don’t receive that same courtesy and compassion. This is by no means a cry for attention. I feel stronger by writing this and putting it into words because the finality of this new chapter in life is becoming real. I have became a lone wolf, a one woman show and came into my own despite having many odds stacked against me. I am truly sufficient in myself.  I am at peace with myself. And I love myself too much to allow myself to become intoxicated in needing to feel happiness in others. I am free. 

– Writer From Jersey 

Idle Conversation

I enjoy both conversation and quiet. Two completely opposite things yet both hold extreme value to me. I am a writer. Us writers love words and the constant flow of them is what keeps us alive. Makes us happy. I feel that the best gift that can be given is the gift of conversation, anything with words.

That has been lacking for me as of late. Not in the general mundane aspect. In the deep, penetrating, challenging and unforgettable way. I understand not everyone possesses that innate ability to maximum capacity but it is within anyone to at least fucking try. The bar I set may be aimed too high perhaps. I expect too much from others. Which is why I often turn to writing and allow my own words to keep me company when others consistently fail at doing so.

I have concluded that words are the bread of life for my soul.  If I lack them, I provide them for my own but it gets tiring feeling as if you are repeating the same thing over and over. You get tired of waiting for others to get the hint. Because if they actually knew you as well as they say they do, they would actually attempt to talk to you. Get to the root of the problem. Not turn a blind eye or be so completely fucking oblivious.

– Writer From Jersey

But Why Though . .

I am definitely the product and epitome of the “Y” generation. I question every single damn thing. Whether it’s something/someone in my life, a change I need to undergo, why the sky is blue..I just ask myself a lot of questions. Some are completely pointless and can be easily dismissed from my mind but others burn a hole into my consciousness. They are an everlasting thorn in my side, keep me up at night and set my anxiety through the roof.

Questioning everything and having high empathetic tendencies can serve a great purpose but they are more draining that the most powerful leeches out there. I find that they are calmed when I am useful, busy and appreciated. I mean being appreciated can make any person feel like they’re on top of the world. It is one of those common things about human nature. Truly, one of my pet peeves is feeling useless or powerless. I understand totally that there are circumstances, things and instances that are beyond your control. Sometimes, it is vital and needed to take a step back and let things play out the way they do. I am not one to give up or back down from challenges.

I hate feeling like I am being pushed away when I am giving it my all at no costs. It causes me to question the purpose of me pressing forward. It makes me question everything I have built.

Time can be a friend but it can also be a cruel enemy with how my patience is set up. I guess this is one of many learning lessons with regards to patience.

Oh the things we do when we are in love.

  • – Writer From Jersey

Living Again

And I just stopped giving a fuck. I started living.. 

By nature, I am a people pleaser. I love putting a smile on a person’s face. Especially if I care about you. I am just that kind of person who strives to bring happiness to others. One of the many reasons why I have worked in the medical field for several years. I am a Taurus and while horoscopes can be downright silly sometimes, it is true that Tauruses have a compassionate nature. I have always been this way and it may have it’s advantages/positive attributes, it can also be deadly if given to the wrong person or done way too much. It also can lead to caring about what people think..so much that you start living your life by the standards others set for you. You forget who’s life you are living and you forget yourself.

I have allowed this to happen and experienced this way too many times in my 27 years of life. I have put certain moves, feelings and just an eternal amount of thoughts on hold because I was always so worried about what others might think. Coming to terms with my sexuality was one of the biggest steps I took in my personal journey to living life for me and not giving a fuck. I have hidden several aspects of my life for fear of rejection, being shunned and abandoned. Any steps I have taken to my own happiness has required sacrifice and losing things/people who I thought mattered. One thing always remains true. Your journey is for you and only you to walk on. Those who choose to help you or accompany you along the way no matter what detours, pauses or seemingly permanent stops you make are purely golden if they remain by your side through it all. I have learned that if you need to take on this journey alone, you must do so.

Only you deal with the consequences of what you choose to do with your life. Good or bad. Staying stagnant or making moves has it’s effects. On yourself and those around you. No one should dictate your next decision. Exception to that would be your own child of course for the obvious reasons. Bottom line is, you are the gatekeeper to your journey, life and overall happiness.

SO STOP GIVING A FUCK AND JUST FUCKING LIVE. 

  • – Writer from Jersey

 

Push the Feeling On

“And those who suffer pain, will begin to live their Lives again. And this world will be a place to learn, but its up to you, to pull us through”

Inspired by that classic 1992 Dub of Doom of Nightcrawlers “Push The Feeling On”

I have been replaying this song over and over these past couple of days. I discovered it on my random jamming sessions to classic house. I find that in times of distress, house music has brought me peace and comfort. I know the looped lyrics in this song are often misinterpreted/hard to understand but I saw a comment on YouTube with this take on them and it just brought me to tears..Especially considering current events in the world. Also from a personal note. I have lived this quote out several times in my life.

We are living in uncertain, troubling times. As a people. As a generation. As one. I am sure many of you can gather that I am not thrilled with the outcome of this recent presidential election. I am deeply disturbed and concerned for what is to come. As a woman who is gay, Hispanic and simply wanting happiness for myself and those I love, it is not okay that I feel like I need to brace myself for the absolute worst. Should I have to live in fear walking in a predominately white neighborhood, should I have to experience paranoia knowing my best friend who is also gay but also of Middle Eastern descent, a cop AND an Army veteran may not even be respected despite her badge? Should I have to worry that my grandmothers who are citizens of this country and have lived here for 30+ years but because they are Puerto Rican need to go back to the island because of flat out bigotry, hate and pure evil? I for one refuse to accept that. It angers the core of my soul that I may not be able to marry the woman of my dreams in the country I have called home since birth.

It pains me to say that my own father who is obviously Puerto Rican is a Trump supporter. I look at him as he shamelessly supports this man and I am like, you do realize he does not have your back nor the back of those who carry our bloodline.

I am holding fast to my faith in God, the universe and my beliefs. I am a woman. I am gay. I am a proud Puerto Rican. I am a U.S citizen. I AM NOT BACKING DOWN. Those who share my sentiments, we all must unite. We all must bond together. THERE WILL BE SAFETY IN NUMBERS.

NOT MY PRESIDENT. NOT MY PRESIDENT. NOT MY PRESIDENT.

LOVE WILL ALWAYS PREVAIL.

God bless us all.

Finding The Words..Again..And Again

So I have continued to be in this slump with regards to my writing. I remember a period of time when I was able to write two masterpieces with no effort at all. Nowadays, I find I have to rip words from my brain and heart. It isn’t because I don’t want to write. It truly bothers within the deepest parts of me that I lack inspiration for any form of writing unless it hits me harder than a speeding bullet. I wish that my writing came as effortlessly as it used to. Have I hit an everlasting plateau and will somehow snap out of it eventually? Or will this just be a newfound style and I have no choice but to embrace/settle for it?

Truthfully, I am 50/50 as to where I stand and how I want to go forward with these feelings. I just followed some awesome poetry blogs on here and plan on continuing to do so. I felt like a warm blanket was just placed over me as I immersed myself in reading other people’s work. It was as if I was being welcomed by old friends. The more I started reading the poetry of others tonight, I began to sense that unmistakable pull. This is where you truly belong, Jaz. You are still a poet, a writer, a verbal artist who can paint the most intricate pictures and evoke feelings in yourself or others by the words you write. You have to stop being so hard on yourself and creating these standards that in reality are not there.

I have had several shifts, changes and twists with my life, as I imagine many have. One constant that has remained no matter how much time passes is my love, passion and ability to write. This gift I have had since birth it appears will never leave me. It flows in my veins as if it is an integral part of my blood composition. As vital as white and red blood cells are, as crucial as platelets are in stopping one from bleeding to death, that is what writing is to me.

Truly just astounded myself with that last statement as it really just exploded from the innermost remnants of my mind and I had to pause and think to myself, did I write that?!?

This too shall pass. Right?

-Writer From Jersey