The Door Is Always There

Snakes come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

So do well wishers, applauding friends and encouraging words uttered.

– Writer From Jersey

Life has been moving at the speed of light lately. I mean it always does honestly for me but I have just had this feeling of being more awake, or “woke.” I hate using that term as it is extremely overrated, but if I had to summarize how I’m feeling, that would be it. I do not see certain aspects of life the same way, friends included. This does not include my close friends who have been nothing but real in their own capacities. ( Forever grateful for yall ) This goes for those people I have outgrown. It is never anything personal as always but life takes us to different places. I have some individuals who are partaking in certain behaviors that are quite frankly fucking disturbing. Now I am by no means a prude in any way, shape or form. Nor am I judgmental or a harshly non-understanding person. I am as cooperative as they come. I cannot however stand for something I am genuinely uncomfortable with.

I am the friend everyone comes to for advice or input on things. I am not one to profess that I know everything either. I am always going to promise to give my opinion with absolutely no sugarcoating. I do not do the fake phony “oh you’re doing great sweetie” shit. I am going to tell you you’re fucking up and what are you gonna do to get to a better place? I will always push for you to do and be better because I am THAT FRIEND.

If me being that friend does not sit well with a person, the door is always there. If me being that friend makes you feel like I am of no good use for you because I’ll tell you shit you may not want to hear, the door is always there. If you ever get upset because I refuse to placate you with a lie just so you can sleep at night, THE DOOR IS ALWAYS FUCKING THERE.

If we cannot agree to disagree and you’ll attack me for giving my opinion/input/advice YOU ASKED FOR, the door is always there. I have never had any issue ending a friendship that was just hitting dead ends anyway. That’s life right? *Kanye shrug* Growth comes with eliminating the weeds and dead things from a beautiful garden.

 

– Writer From Jersey

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Woman of the House.

For most women, it is a great pride and joy to take on this role. For most women, it is what they’re born for, built for and destined for. I think of myself in this way for the most part but let’s face it, I grew up with my own mother taking on the woman of the house role and also being a career woman. That same statement rings true even now in my adult life..kind of. I say kind of because my mother has not been herself on and off for the past two years.

My mom began menopausing in her early 40’s. I know she’d most likely kill me for putting her business out there for the world to see but it is for the sole purpose of writing this blog and to shed some light for the next topic. This change in her mood and character prompted several shifts in my family’s life. One of them being my role in the house. I had always chipped in when I could despite a busy work schedule and trying to maintain a social life but now I had to put a lot of things on hold. It went from me being able to take my time coming home or stopping for happy hour drinks whenever I wanted to rushing home to put dinner on the table. I had to walk on eggshells and have my patience tested with tending to my mother hand and foot because she was just incapable of doing for herself. My sister had to leave work numerous times to either drive my mother to the hospital because of an anxiety attack or to a doctor’s appointment. My father had to take on sending payments for bills, a job that was once tasked to my mother. He had to be the one going to the supermarket to do food shopping with me being by his side since I was the one in the kitchen majority of the time.  Medical bills began piling up due to these hospital and doctor visits on top of the usual regular bills. As the months and years passed, my mother did have her highs and lows. But that’s the entire point. It never seemed like she would ever return back to her normal self.

I cannot count how many times us as immediate family, close friends and doctors told my mother that the road to her getting better could only start to be walked by her. Everyone else, the medications and doctors can be there to support her but the journey can only start with her. It took a 3 day hospital stay and for myself and my father to sit her down and be like, this is enough. You have to get through the periods of anxiety and wait it out. The last ER doctor even told her that there literally is nothing they could do other than what was done already, (EKG’s to prove she wasn’t having a heart attack, MRI’s and CT scans of her brain to prove she wasn’t having a stroke, echocardiograms to prove she had no abnormalities in her heart, blood work for any other underlying causes.) What was plaguing my mother was her own anxiety that she was allowing to spiral out of control. It took us to finally draw that line and to subliminally tell my mother to get her shit together.

I know for a fact this blog has a slightly whiny/selfish undertone and I am not going to apologize for it. This blog entry does not even begin to summarize the fact that my hair was falling out, my anxiety came so close to surfacing because I felt like I was taking on the role of caretaker for someone who had a deathly terminal illness when that in fact was not the case.

It is safe to say that for the past 2 weeks, my mother has somewhat returned to her old self. I am grateful but not holding my breath as I know the nature of the beast called anxiety is unpredictable. I am going to embrace her being herself and never stop reminding her that she is strong and she is beautiful. I also cannot lose sight that I need to live life for me. I can’t drop everything for my mother or anyone in my family. Anxiety is not something to undermine or be taken lightly. It can deteriorate strong ties that once held a family together, destroy a once strong individual and make even the sanest go insane. However, the road to recovery always starts with you.

– Writer From Jersey

Hard to Love

No one is easy to deal with. I don’t care how much of an easygoing person you claim to be or how laid back you are. Everybody has their pain in the ass moments. That is perfectly okay. I can only speak from a woman’s perspective because for starters, I am one. Also, I date women so I can speak on dealing with women romantically.

I’ve been extremely guilty for saying that I am hard to love, not easy to deal with and heartless. Usually these statements come right after a heartbreak or when life is not quite going my way.  The negative backlash these sentences carry have been great. Thinking back to when I was closed off and unwilling to allow anyone in, I permitted for myself to become who hurt me and turn into this person who in reality was not me at all. I could have had chances with women who would have treated me like the queen I am but I let my past dictate to me how my present would turn out. I was hindering my own progression and growth.

Heartbreak and everything that encompasses it sucks. We all know that to be a fact. The interesting part about that process is LIFE GOES ON. That very well may be the last thing you want to hear. It may sound damn near impossible at the moment but there is life after heartbreak. What I could not find in another person, I learned I could find that from within. I took back my own happiness and grew to enjoy my own company. However, I have only recently began to explore embracing the concept of allowing someone in, if the vibe is right of course. All in due time.

Extremely satisfied with finally posting as I was without a laptop for the past 2 months due to my old charger breaking. Thanks to my dad, I am up and running. Thank you to my faithful readers/followers for your patience and dedication to visiting my blog. I write for you guys as always.

–  Jasmine (Writer From Jersey)

Talking With My Demons

Having daily conversations with my demons has proven to be both beneficial and destructive. Discovering things about myself I don’t want to face but my hand is forced to do so. I talk to the demon called alcohol dependency and while it hasn’t taken on it’s full form, it beckons to me to keep picking up that bottle and making myself broke as I swipe my card for more drinks. Demon of depression shouts that I’ll never see the sun again and this black cloud of misery will forever hover over my tired body. Anxiety demon wakes me up faithfully through the night and early in the morning telling me to wake up in fear of facing the day, filling my mind with uncontrollable thoughts of uncertainty. Body image demon has my reflection distorted in the mirror of an ugly, unlovable and undesirable person, what with the weight I’ve gained these past two years, the pounds I’ve neglected to shed. I speak to all of these ugly creatures on a daily basis and sometimes when I beg and plead, they go away but they come back faithfully.

Fighting back tears as I have every single one of them rearing their heads currently. I fight demons. I fight them with the hope and faith of God and the universe I serve. This is one form of violence I’ll never get tired of participating in. It is the fight for my life, my happiness, my soul.

 – Writer From Jersey

Self Sufficiency

You are always more than enough. Never let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel anything less than that. I have recently known what putting this into practice feels like.

I am never one to take my own advice. Then again, who does in reality? We are all guilty of providing wise advice to our family and friends yet do we practice what we preach? Most times, we don’t. & that’s perfectly okay if a lesson is learned down along the line. I know for a fact I usually end up learning lessons the hard way due to my stubborn nature. This lesson of self sufficiency is a tough pill to swallow. I will not sugarcoat that in any way.

I look back over the years and see that I have always felt this compulsion to be involved with someone, whether it was a relationship, fling, friends with benefits etc. I get attached way too easily and I love hard. This has been a source of frustration within myself because I see that not everyone thinks that way. Some people are not built for relationships and that’s fine. I feel like I have came across women who make it appear that they want a relationship or to be involved with someone yet when shit gets real, they distance themselves, thus leaving me disappointed and like well damn! I understand everyone is different. I get that we all have our pasts, hangups, flaws, whatever. I just truly feel some individuals do not know themselves or have taken the time to do so, which results in them wasting valuable time they or the person they were involved with cant take back.

I am just tired. I am not angry at anyone from my past by any means. I have forgiven, made amends and moved on from things. It would just be nice to find someone who makes their intentions known and remains consistent. I am not getting any younger and I do not have time to waste. I have a lot to offer and want to be able to share that with someone. The right person. In the mean time, I am proud to say I have grown content with my own company. As always, I am learning about myself as time goes on and I am growing. That is what matters always

– Writer From Jersey

Distance Between Myself and Everyone Else

It seems that with every single year, my circle of friends becomes smaller..and smaller…to nonexistent almost. I am by nature a social butterfly.  I enjoy meeting new people and can spark up conversations with random strangers at bars/public places with ease. Many who have met me in my post high school years find it extremely hard to believe that I was a shy bookworm in my middle school/early high school years. I was almost voted “Most Shy” in middle school but that vote was given to my then best friend. However, I have my moments that I want to be left alone. I get into my antisocial mode and tune the world out. This often happens when I am depressed or stressed out. I still try to function and be social and basically be the best friend I can be to those that are near and dear to my heart.

Apparently, even that is not enough for some people.

I have come to the realization that you can only do your best, in your own capacity and to your own abilities. You can’t please everyone. Age old saying that rings true in many life situations. YOU deal with the consequences, obstacles, hurdles and high points life throws at you. Not your family, not your significant other, not your friends, YOU. So guess who you need to take care of first? YOU. While many will view that as being selfish,  they won’t understand how many times you have sacrificed your feelings or sanity just to see a smile on your face. They can’t bring back the clock on all that time you invested in them. Memories and words cannot be erased from one’s mind. People won’t ever comprehend why you cancel dinner dates because you genuinely feel tired before you get ready in the slightest. They take it personal when you don’t text as much but fail to see that you have way too much on your mind and are too occupied with your thoughts to even remember sending a text. Plus, the phone works both ways and there is also social media. Take heed that we do live in a society that makes it 100000000000 times easier to communicate with people in various ways. Bottom line is, most individuals want it to be about them all of the time but won’t let go of that enthusiastically selfish attitude to think about others.

We are all adults. Adult life truly does not have free time like when we were in our childhood and adolescent years. We have obligations, priorities, bills. responsibilities, kids, and a million other lovely things that occupy our time and thoughts. While it is important to separate from those things and check up on our friends, we should not take it personal if a friend is not talking to us like they used to. Everyone is going through life at their own pace. Everyone is going through their shit. Try being understanding for a change.

I do not speak to many people on a daily basis anymore. It is not anything personal. It never will be anything personal. I am merely getting my shit together and separating myself from the world bit by bit because I have stretched myself too thin and I need to regroup and recharge. If anyone were to call themselves a real friend to me, they would understand. They would support me. Just as I would do for them.

  • – Writer From Jersey

Falling Constantly.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about my life. I find myself in yet another sticky situation financially, job wise, mentally, emotionally. in just about every aspect you could think of. I realize now I am the source of my own problems. One huge issue I have decided to tackle is my drinking. Yes, many of you know I enjoy drinking socially but it has never been a coping mechanism for me to make it through the afternoon/evening. I have been dealing with and internalizing a lot of what is going on in my home. My mother becoming this overly dependent, needy and negative person/energy has taken a toll on my own mental health. I often feel like if I show any shred of emotion or stress, it will trigger her to go back into her own depths of despair. So I have resorted to alcohol to numb the constant anxiety I’ve felt and yes I have made it worse.

This past weekend was shitty and I fell into a dark place. I ended up spending my entire paycheck on both drinks and a hotel. I panicked and called a friend of mine as a result. I did not know what I was doing or how I even got to that point. I had no clue how I was getting home the next day. She stayed on the phone with me the entire time and that helped immensely. I managed to borrow 20 bucks from my grandmother to get home. Throughout this process on Sunday morning in getting home, I had to leave my temporary job at the hospital as I had no way of getting there. I felt like that was a means to an end. The financial toll to travel there was a burden. So now I am jobless once again. One last paycheck due to me this Friday and my job search has commenced.

I am at a loss at to what I should feel. I know something will come along but I am seriously reevaluating my approach to things again. My drinking needs to be controlled. I am the only one that can truly take control of that. I do not want to land in this position repeatedly. I really scared the living shit out of me this past weekend. I just need to rebuild, renew and recharge.

-Writer From Jersey

Disconnect 

My emotions have been all over the place as of late.  I have had many ups and downs, unexpected twists and turns in my life. I know life is never going to be one of those predictable, smooth sailing or easy going things. It is that same understanding that has me questioning the validity, loyalty and places of several people in my life. I am never going to sit here and say that I am without flaw or that I am always right. I have this tendency of disconnecting from  people but me doing that never results from anything personal. I do it for my own well being and emotional sanity. And I always get that others may need that as well so I never take it personal if I don’t hear from someone for some time. I realize I don’t receive that same courtesy and compassion. This is by no means a cry for attention. I feel stronger by writing this and putting it into words because the finality of this new chapter in life is becoming real. I have became a lone wolf, a one woman show and came into my own despite having many odds stacked against me. I am truly sufficient in myself.  I am at peace with myself. And I love myself too much to allow myself to become intoxicated in needing to feel happiness in others. I am free. 

– Writer From Jersey 

Idle Conversation

I enjoy both conversation and quiet. Two completely opposite things yet both hold extreme value to me. I am a writer. Us writers love words and the constant flow of them is what keeps us alive. Makes us happy. I feel that the best gift that can be given is the gift of conversation, anything with words.

That has been lacking for me as of late. Not in the general mundane aspect. In the deep, penetrating, challenging and unforgettable way. I understand not everyone possesses that innate ability to maximum capacity but it is within anyone to at least fucking try. The bar I set may be aimed too high perhaps. I expect too much from others. Which is why I often turn to writing and allow my own words to keep me company when others consistently fail at doing so.

I have concluded that words are the bread of life for my soul.  If I lack them, I provide them for my own but it gets tiring feeling as if you are repeating the same thing over and over. You get tired of waiting for others to get the hint. Because if they actually knew you as well as they say they do, they would actually attempt to talk to you. Get to the root of the problem. Not turn a blind eye or be so completely fucking oblivious.

– Writer From Jersey

But Why Though . .

I am definitely the product and epitome of the “Y” generation. I question every single damn thing. Whether it’s something/someone in my life, a change I need to undergo, why the sky is blue..I just ask myself a lot of questions. Some are completely pointless and can be easily dismissed from my mind but others burn a hole into my consciousness. They are an everlasting thorn in my side, keep me up at night and set my anxiety through the roof.

Questioning everything and having high empathetic tendencies can serve a great purpose but they are more draining that the most powerful leeches out there. I find that they are calmed when I am useful, busy and appreciated. I mean being appreciated can make any person feel like they’re on top of the world. It is one of those common things about human nature. Truly, one of my pet peeves is feeling useless or powerless. I understand totally that there are circumstances, things and instances that are beyond your control. Sometimes, it is vital and needed to take a step back and let things play out the way they do. I am not one to give up or back down from challenges.

I hate feeling like I am being pushed away when I am giving it my all at no costs. It causes me to question the purpose of me pressing forward. It makes me question everything I have built.

Time can be a friend but it can also be a cruel enemy with how my patience is set up. I guess this is one of many learning lessons with regards to patience.

Oh the things we do when we are in love.

  • – Writer From Jersey