Finally being in a healthy, loving and mature relationship in all aspects is a bit unreal sometimes. Especially when you’ve grown accustomed to the opposite. Let me just say that I am not a perfect person. I am not easy to deal with. I constantly crave reassurance and get attached. I need to be told that things are okay and not only that, be shown that with actions. People demonstrate that differently and absorb it differently as well. However I have always been the one to give more, love more and sacrifice more. It had gotten to a point that the “more” I was giving left me with nothing and drained dry. I could not find it in me to repeat the cycle of getting heavily involved just to have to rip a bandaid off abruptly because for some reason, all of the more I gave forth wasn’t enough. That all changed when my girlfriend and I got together. She was just like me. The one who gave more, felt more and sacrificed more. We both spoke that same love language of needing to be SHOWN LOVE. Words mean the world to us and we do not speak them without meaning. Actions are everything in backing up those same words and we do our best to remain consistent in those towards each other and for our relationship. I have learned the art of persistence and patience with her. I have delved deeper into my spirituality and expanding my knowledge because of her. She has inspired me so much to be more of the phenomenal woman I already was. I know for a fact she has learned from me. I’ve been witness to that. She recently had some losses but did not allow them to deter her in any way. I have watched this woman grow mentally and emotionally in such beautiful ways. She is not only my girlfriend but also my best friend, coach, confidante and the peace I’ve needed for a long time. I love how we are also not afraid to check each other if one is lacking or needing work on something whether that be how we handle a situation or reminding each other of errands that need to be done. This is what LOVE is. Real, unfiltered, unconditional love. The universe has indeed performed a masterpiece in bringing us together. I am forever grateful. I am happy. I am in love.
Its 7:41 am and of course I am up at this time on my day off. My mother just went to work and my sister is upstairs sleeping. Dad is at work and my girlfriend is sleeping as well. I am an early bird by nature it appears even if I complain about it on the inside. My usual routine is to brush my teeth and run to the Keurig to make coffee. I have the model that comes with it’s own K cup and you can put your own coffee in it. Of course, being in a Puerto Rican household, Bustelo coffee is a necessity. So as the coffee was done brewing and I put a generous splash of whole milk (Note: I usually use half and half but have neglected to buy a new one.) the taste brought me back to being in my grandma Mima’s house as a kid.
My grandma is in every essence an oldschool Puerto Rican abuela. She makes pasteles the old fashioned way, her cooking is reminiscent of someone who was born and raised on that beautiful island and she also makes her coffee the old school way. No Keurigs in her house. She uses what I like to call the “sock filter” (it isn’t an actual sock by the way) and the coffee kettle. I may be saying these terms extremely wrong but in English, I know the name for the filter is “colador.” I can’t remember the name of the actual kettle. I need to make a mental note to ask my grandma so I can edit this blog on another day.
Tasting my coffee this morning made me miss my abuela a lot and I would love to go see her this weekend. Thankfully, I still have both of my grandmothers with me. My coffee reminded me of spending countless days at Mima’s with my cousins sneaking sips out of her cup when she would go to the bathroom. I also can still hear her yelling at us in Spanish calling us all kinds of names. Trust me, the wrath of a Puerto Rican abuela is still felt even when they are in a joking mood. Her coffee still has that same taste from childhood. Strong and slightly sweet with a hint of bitterness. Her coffee is the very foundation for my love of coffee today. Also may be the reason for me not growing much over the years in height, LOL! Please don’t ever tell her that. I do not want a chancleta thrown at me or worse!
A taste of childhood is just what I needed to bring me back to my roots. A reminder that life is precious and beautiful. To never forget your inner child.
– Writer From Jersey
I came home from work tired and worn out. Not from work or anything related to it. But more so in spirit and physically. Could be cuz I am pmsing or because my emotions are so heightened. As I am blasting Peter Rauhofer’s (may he rest in House) remix to Nelly Furtado’s “Say It Right” remix, I feel such nostalgia, pain, joy and freedom mixed together anytime this comes up on my playlist. This used to be one of my Myspace songs back in the day. I understand why now fast forward 10 years later.
This was one of the songs that I played to remind me of my ex Elba who was tragically killed back in 2015. The trial is currently going on for her murder. I cannot divulge much in terms of details due to legal reasons obviously but the pain due to losing her never goes away. I have long since lost hope to finding a love like hers. A fact I have never came to terms with or told anyone much in detail about. It is an uphill battle not only losing a former lover but someone who was in fact my best friend and a person who knew and understood the me I was before the me I am today.
Finding someone recently who comes eerily close to that is unsettling..but in good ways. That is the first stepping stone to moving on. It is also a breaking in point I am not used to. I am being exposed in my own raw flesh and twisting my bones and muscles in ways I didn’t think I was still capable of. I can truly say I have never encountered someone like Elba in this lifetime..until now.
House music has long since been an escape, mood booster and pain reliever for me. It is in house music that I find joy to match my triumphs, healing for my wounds and the same freedom of expression I have in my writing. I have been a fan of house music since being in my mother’s womb. I believe it is safe to say I am a child of the nation of house music.
– writer from jersey
Hiding how I feel has always been one of my best/worst attributes to my personality. My face is one of my “snitches” when it comes to how I really feel about anything. Being a transparent person with nothing to hide is something I have always strived for in my relationships and how I deal with people. However, when it comes to my personal life and business, I realize that transparency isn’t always what’s best when it comes to protecting your own.
I have this blog in which I have revealed a lot about my personal life. I know my previous sentence is extremely contradicting to what I am doing now in a way. I think the angle I am trying to get at is more along the lines of how fast you are to share something via social media or to the world.
We live in an age where you can find out anything about anything on the internet. Recipes, makeup tutorials, the news, who’s screwing who and when it happened, etc. The phrase “word travels fast” is a fucking understatement. While having the ability to be privy to information quickly can be beneficial, it can also lead you to growing extremely annoyed at what and how much people broadcast over the internet. It makes you wonder what the hell goes through the minds of people before they hit that share/post/tweet button.
I will admit by saying I am guilty of being one of those who used social media as her diary in an unconstructive manner. I used to post certain statuses, memes, statements etc to be dramatic and to stir the pot. Ahh the days of being younger and petty. I remember using social media as a platform to cause drama and prove insignificant points on how much better I was than other individuals. Being in the mix of all the mayhem held such a sickening appeal to me. It wasn’t until my last long term relationship which also had much of it’s issues rooted from misunderstandings of social media posts that led me to not post about everything that came to mind.
Going through some real life adult shit will make you shift your perspective on what to post on social media and who needs to know what. It will also cause you to not have any time or energy for the drama. I see how others just post about their every move, emotions, thought and whereabout and I sit there looking at my screen like, “Can you just enjoy life and experience it without needing validation from others about your existences?” Shames me to say I have some family members who do this. It’s both annoying and frustrating. I think once you reach a point of growth with things like this, you look back and are so grateful for not remaining in at that stage of immaturity. Now, I am not saying it’s wrong to post about positive things like getting a new job, pictures of your baby/family or pictures from a special occasion. It is sometimes even okay to be transparent and open about emotional struggles because you never know who may see your post and find some solace in it. What I am not fine with is those who post every single aspect of their relationship drama or hop on any social media bandwagon just to get more likes and comments. It’s when posts like that become out of hand that I begin to understand why some people say social media is not for them or why taking a break from it all is often needed. It has also helped me learn who to stay the fuck away from.
If I were to bring this up in a discussion with certain people, they would go on to say “oh it’s my page, I can post what I want, blah blah.” That is in fact very true but then you’ll most often hear those same individuals complaining about being involved in drama and being all woe is me. You attract what you generate and not for nothing, when you filter out all of the noise from the cacophony from social media statuses and posts, you really grow from whatever experience you are currently going through in life. You truly do get to know yourself as a person and those around you as well.
In my personal life, I have grown to enjoy whatever life throws at me by just not sharing everything on social media. It has strengthened relationships both with others and with myself. I cherish the moments and learn from them. I have also learned to use certain forms of social media ( my blog =D ) as a form of therapy and to be productive. So go out there and enjoy life!!
-Writer From Jersey
I have came a long way. I have progressed. I have been able to rise above from the ashes to not only conquer my demons but to help others wrestle with their own, even if they may not be the same as mine.
Many of my readers know it is in the very fiber of my being to help others. It comes so naturally to me that I often forget the profound impact I can have on people until it is brought to my attention.
Just a few days ago, I texted a friend of mine how she inspired me to begin enjoying my own company, going out by myself and fully embracing the concept of putting my phone on do not disturb. She texted me back saying that I had spoken on a level so deep to her, that something as encouraging as this was just what she needed to hear as she was really going through it lately with her depression. She then sent me some uplifting messages about how much she appreciates the bond we have and how we carry each other’s burdens willingly and out of love. I am heavily paraphrasing what she said but in a nutshell, that is just one example of how unknowingly, I realize I made an impact on someone.
Earlier today, I was texting another close friend of mine and she was just pouring out her soul to me and telling me how she hated that she was using drinking as an escape from the pain. Reading that message truly brought me back to my own dark days of binge drinking. I understood what it was like to be in that predicament all too well. All I could do was give her my own all too detailed experience with that and how I got myself out of it, all the while understanding that everyone is different. We grow through struggles at different paces and in different ways. She texted back with such a spirit of gratitude and relief that I understood her struggle and didn’t judge her for it. As I was giving her my account of what I had been through, I realized I was echoing the words that the people I confided in at my own time of strife once told me. It is in both of these moments with my two friends that I realized I have made a drastic turnaround. I have had these moments of clarity a few times before but they never cease to amaze me truthfully.
I know we oftentimes are so focused, caught up and in a whirlwind with our daily lives. It is just the way things are. For the universe to have infinite love for me that I can have these periods of reflecting on my journey to becoming who I am is a blessing. I forget that I have made progress. I don’t realize how strong I am. I am extremely humbled to be able to help others in their own crusades to becoming a better version of themselves. It brings a joy so sweet and beautiful to my soul.
– Writer From Jersey
Faith is one thing I know I have lacked time and time again. I am human after all. I have my moments of triumph, defeat and of course those in between moments. Presently, I find myself unemployed once again. I notice for some reason, I am not having much luck with stable employment. I do admit some instances have been somewhat my fault due to me being picky but generally speaking, my luck has not been the greatest in that aspect. I wish I could afford to not work and stay home or go back to school but sadly, that is not the case with me. My parents both work but they have their own bills to pay, I have my own bills to pay and it is just not in the cards for me to not work. My own pride will not allow me to do so anyway. I enjoy having resources to be able to go out, pay my own way with things and to just have money for a rainy day if needed.
I have been on some interviews which have went very well. I am hoping to hear back from a major hospital in my area. Despite the fact that it is through a temp agency, I am sure that they won’t let go of a good person, Hospitals always need people to work for them. I am remaining surprisingly calm throughout all of this. Being that I have been at this point before, I have usually been a hot mess. I am truly embracing this period in time in which I am not doing anything for once. I have time to reflect on my next steps and also the recent emotional turmoil of my last breakup. I will confess I have been crying a lot these days. Shedding tears over a person who has stated themselves that they are not worth my tears, effort or thoughts. I have seriously evaluated said statement from this person and I am realizing that if the person alone cannot appreciate their own worth, what in the hell makes me think they were going to realize and appreciate mine in the first place? Funny how this revelation is taking place as I am typing this post.
Relationships have been an epic fail for me in the past 3-4 years and I am tired. I think it is about time I place my faith in something more worthwhile and with more permanence ; myself. I neglect myself so often to please others and make others happy. I act like I can’t function without having someone by my side when in retrospect, I have been living, breathing and progressing pretty well on my own. I am a lot stronger, independent and beautiful than I give myself credit for. I need to give myself daily wake up calls/reminders about who I am.
I just need to be my own best friend, first love, my own everything.
- Writer From Jersey
A few years back, my family and I went on a vacation to Wells, Maine. I know it isn’t an ideal vacation hot spot like Florida, the Caribbean or Las Vegas but we wanted to do something out of the norm. I was immediately excited because we were getting away from Jersey for awhile and also LOBSTER! Anyone that knows me will tell you the eternal love I have for seafood. The 7 hour drive honestly gave me such anxiety deep inside but I put that to the side because hey, going on a vacation is pretty dope. I remember waking up at like 3:30am to get on the road to avoid traffic. (Perks of your dad being a truck driver, that trucker mentality does not leave him for a second.) The ride wasn’t too bad as I was asleep for most of it, thanks to Dramamine. Anyway, the second time I opened my eyes from sleeping, all I saw was a beautiful coastline, quaint little houses, and blue skies. An instant overflow of being at peace came over my body. I knew this was going to be a true vacation..
The cottage we stayed at was the cutest little abode ever. It had a nautical theme to the decor and had an awesome deck with a table and chairs that overlooked a vast field dotted with other vacation cottages and also the pool that came with the properties. Everyone who stayed in that group of cottages was able to use the pool so I guess you could say it was semi public. As I stepped outside of my dad’s car, I inhaled fresh air. FRESH AIR. Even the air smelled cleaner there but that was due to the fact that we were not in a major city obviously. I knew I was going to fall in love with Maine and everything about it.
Throughout the duration of our stay, I felt like I was on retirement after several long years of working hard. My family and I did do some pretty cool things such as take pictures across from this lighthouse along the coastline, went out to eat at Ogunquit Lobster Pound restaurant in which you were able to pick your own lobster from the tank, have a member of the staff weigh it and they would cook it and bring it to your table, and went to one of the beaches there. Our family met a woman who was vacationing there with her young daughter and husband. We all clicked instantly and exchanged contact information. We also indulged in lobster bisque, clam chowder and many other delicious eats Maine had to offer but a good portion of the vacation was spent in that adorable cottage. My dad and I polished two huge bottles of red wine that week, I read by the pool and on the deck during the day, and even rose earlier than the others to take in the sun rising early in the morning. Every day spent out there was just so relaxing, refreshing and peaceful. I had the usual feeling of not wanting to leave and return back to reality but this was oddly different.
I knew I wanted to come back here. One day.
Our last day there was a sad one. I wouldn’t say I’d live in Maine because it is too quiet for my taste honestly but would I pick it as a prime vacation choice? YES! Before we set back out on the road, we drove to one of the nearby beaches just to get a last glimpse of the gorgeous scenery. I remember sitting on that wooden bench staring out at the crashing waves and I felt something in me pull away gently and go out with the tide. I still to this day can’t pinpoint exactly what that was but all I know is traveling to Maine, being so far removed from everything routine and mundane did wonders for my soul.
I decided to blog about Maine because my sister randomly suggested we should definitely make an effort to travel out there this summer as a family. I couldn’t agree with her more and am praying to God/the universe it can happen.
Glad I chose to blog about happier times. It’s given me quite the emotional boost I needed. – Writer From Jersey