The Door Is Always There

Snakes come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

So do well wishers, applauding friends and encouraging words uttered.

– Writer From Jersey

Life has been moving at the speed of light lately. I mean it always does honestly for me but I have just had this feeling of being more awake, or “woke.” I hate using that term as it is extremely overrated, but if I had to summarize how I’m feeling, that would be it. I do not see certain aspects of life the same way, friends included. This does not include my close friends who have been nothing but real in their own capacities. ( Forever grateful for yall ) This goes for those people I have outgrown. It is never anything personal as always but life takes us to different places. I have some individuals who are partaking in certain behaviors that are quite frankly fucking disturbing. Now I am by no means a prude in any way, shape or form. Nor am I judgmental or a harshly non-understanding person. I am as cooperative as they come. I cannot however stand for something I am genuinely uncomfortable with.

I am the friend everyone comes to for advice or input on things. I am not one to profess that I know everything either. I am always going to promise to give my opinion with absolutely no sugarcoating. I do not do the fake phony “oh you’re doing great sweetie” shit. I am going to tell you you’re fucking up and what are you gonna do to get to a better place? I will always push for you to do and be better because I am THAT FRIEND.

If me being that friend does not sit well with a person, the door is always there. If me being that friend makes you feel like I am of no good use for you because I’ll tell you shit you may not want to hear, the door is always there. If you ever get upset because I refuse to placate you with a lie just so you can sleep at night, THE DOOR IS ALWAYS FUCKING THERE.

If we cannot agree to disagree and you’ll attack me for giving my opinion/input/advice YOU ASKED FOR, the door is always there. I have never had any issue ending a friendship that was just hitting dead ends anyway. That’s life right? *Kanye shrug* Growth comes with eliminating the weeds and dead things from a beautiful garden.

 

– Writer From Jersey

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Woman of the House.

For most women, it is a great pride and joy to take on this role. For most women, it is what they’re born for, built for and destined for. I think of myself in this way for the most part but let’s face it, I grew up with my own mother taking on the woman of the house role and also being a career woman. That same statement rings true even now in my adult life..kind of. I say kind of because my mother has not been herself on and off for the past two years.

My mom began menopausing in her early 40’s. I know she’d most likely kill me for putting her business out there for the world to see but it is for the sole purpose of writing this blog and to shed some light for the next topic. This change in her mood and character prompted several shifts in my family’s life. One of them being my role in the house. I had always chipped in when I could despite a busy work schedule and trying to maintain a social life but now I had to put a lot of things on hold. It went from me being able to take my time coming home or stopping for happy hour drinks whenever I wanted to rushing home to put dinner on the table. I had to walk on eggshells and have my patience tested with tending to my mother hand and foot because she was just incapable of doing for herself. My sister had to leave work numerous times to either drive my mother to the hospital because of an anxiety attack or to a doctor’s appointment. My father had to take on sending payments for bills, a job that was once tasked to my mother. He had to be the one going to the supermarket to do food shopping with me being by his side since I was the one in the kitchen majority of the time. ┬áMedical bills began piling up due to these hospital and doctor visits on top of the usual regular bills. As the months and years passed, my mother did have her highs and lows. But that’s the entire point. It never seemed like she would ever return back to her normal self.

I cannot count how many times us as immediate family, close friends and doctors told my mother that the road to her getting better could only start to be walked by her. Everyone else, the medications and doctors can be there to support her but the journey can only start with her. It took a 3 day hospital stay and for myself and my father to sit her down and be like, this is enough. You have to get through the periods of anxiety and wait it out. The last ER doctor even told her that there literally is nothing they could do other than what was done already, (EKG’s to prove she wasn’t having a heart attack, MRI’s and CT scans of her brain to prove she wasn’t having a stroke, echocardiograms to prove she had no abnormalities in her heart, blood work for any other underlying causes.) What was plaguing my mother was her own anxiety that she was allowing to spiral out of control. It took us to finally draw that line and to subliminally tell my mother to get her shit together.

I know for a fact this blog has a slightly whiny/selfish undertone and I am not going to apologize for it. This blog entry does not even begin to summarize the fact that my hair was falling out, my anxiety came so close to surfacing because I felt like I was taking on the role of caretaker for someone who had a deathly terminal illness when that in fact was not the case.

It is safe to say that for the past 2 weeks, my mother has somewhat returned to her old self. I am grateful but not holding my breath as I know the nature of the beast called anxiety is unpredictable. I am going to embrace her being herself and never stop reminding her that she is strong and she is beautiful. I also cannot lose sight that I need to live life for me. I can’t drop everything for my mother or anyone in my family. Anxiety is not something to undermine or be taken lightly. It can deteriorate strong ties that once held a family together, destroy a once strong individual and make even the sanest go insane. However, the road to recovery always starts with you.

– Writer From Jersey

Feeling Numb or Evolving

It is without a doubt that I have changed drastically since the beginning of this year. I’ve had a person who I thought was going to be in my life forever walk away. I lost a friendship I thought would stand the test of time but apparently, we are on two different pages to the point that we cannot coexist as we always did. In both of these relationships I once had, I have not always been perfect. That I can admit freely and openly. I know I am not one to text or call as often anymore. I was not understanding to the reality of many things in my previous romantic involvement. I do know that I gave my all in my own capacity..and it still was not enough.

People always seem to want to hold you to a standard they themselves cannot uphold. I find myself guilty of this many times in my life. Like I will continue to reiterate, I am not perfect. I have flaws. However, I will not allow others to plant that poisonous seed of “you are not enough” in my subconscious. That is a huge mistake I made in my last long term relationship and it took me through hell and back to be myself again.

Will I apologize for not flinching when someone walks out of my life? No. Will I chase anyone who does not want to be chased? No. Will I place effort, time and energy into things that no longer serve a purpose? No.

I have done that too many times in my life. I am not getting any younger. At the age of 28, it is now that I am learning and putting into practice the art of letting go. I am relishing in the fact that I am evolving and not mistaking that for feeling numb. I am moving on and progressing into the next stage of this journey..whatever that may be.

– Writer From Jersey

Lessons & The Company You Keep

Life teaches us lessons. That is one universal element of life I believe we can all agree on. I know for a fact that I have been taught an eternity of lessons from life. Some have taken me quite awhile to grasp, some I’ve learned quickly and others I keep re-learning over and over. Needless to say, I am one of those people who must learn from direct experience. I take in what others have told me from their own life journeys but I have this tendency to want to find out for myself. ALWAYS.

This can be a good thing but sometimes, it comes back to bite me in the ass. Hard. I am at a stage where some of those lessons are finally setting in. Yes, in my late 20’s, the finality of those lessons are being felt. One of them is learning to be happy with myself. I have learned to love myself but am I happy with myself? There are mixed emotions that come with that answer. I know I have came a long way and I am immensely proud of myself for that. However, I have a lot of work to do in some aspects of my life. My finances are one huge thing I have to work on. I am the absolute worst when it comes to saving money, one of my biggest struggles is with food. Anybody who knows me knows I love to eat and eat well at that. Another huge vice of mine is drinking. The struggle of being a fatty and lover of wine/beer/anything alcoholic. There are several things I want to accomplish in my life but I have been the one holding myself back due to not having the money for it. Another part of my life I have been working on with next to no effort is eliminating toxic/unneeded people from my life. It is interesting seeing how those who have claimed to “always be there no matter what” are nowhere to be found. Let me just clear things up and say that I understand we are all adults and have our lives to live. That is just a pretty well known fact of adulthood. However, I have had some individuals throw shade at me on the low for not being around as much or not texting as often. I am sure I have stated this in previous blog posts but the phone works both ways. Am I guilty of not pulling my end of the wagon? Sure. But for very good reason. I am seriously just trying to get my shit together. Funny that I have to use wise words from an ex of mine out of all sources but she always used to say that if people are going to get mad at me for getting my shit together and that being the reason for me “disappearing” or going ghost, they are not my true friends. Extreme paraphrase and I am cringing slightly that I had to use her words but it is the absolute truth. People take your unintended absence due to you living life way too personal. The crazy part about these individuals is that they should know me better. This shouldn’t even play a factor at all in our friendship. But as with all things in life, changes take place. I have been thinking this must be the universe telling me these are friendships that have been outgrown. Their chapter in my life must come to a close. As much as it may hurt, feel weird and out of place for them not to be present, it must be done. I wish anybody who will not make it to the next chapter of my life the very best and that is meant from the bottom of my heart. I remain grateful for those who have stuck it out and respected my space but our bond remains strong. Truly, their loyalty means the world to me.

I am working on myself, last but not least. It is something long overdue and I owe it to myself. I have abandoned myself greatly time and time again just to make others happy. There are days I feel out of my element because I am not socializing or being in the mix. By nature, I am a social butterfly. I enjoy interacting with others and establishing connections. Separating myself from the noise and immersing myself in the quiet is refreshing/needed but it feels so weird. The do not disturb function on my iPhone is my best friend most days. I find that I ignore text messages at times and sometimes get annoyed when my phone is being banged with notifications. I get irritated with the neediness and clingyness of people. Well, it depends on who they are. I just have grown to cherish the solitude but remind myself every now and then that I have to interact with others outside of the parameters of work and family.

Writing this blog post has felt so relieving. This has been a lot to get off of my chest. Putting it into writing has made all of these things feel real and attainable.

As always, if anybody is feeling the same way as I do, please feel free to contact me. I know we can share some mutual experiences and offer some much needed advice.

– Writer From Jersey