Feeling Numb or Evolving

It is without a doubt that I have changed drastically since the beginning of this year. I’ve had a person who I thought was going to be in my life forever walk away. I lost a friendship I thought would stand the test of time but apparently, we are on two different pages to the point that we cannot coexist as we always did. In both of these relationships I once had, I have not always been perfect. That I can admit freely and openly. I know I am not one to text or call as often anymore. I was not understanding to the reality of many things in my previous romantic involvement. I do know that I gave my all in my own capacity..and it still was not enough.

People always seem to want to hold you to a standard they themselves cannot uphold. I find myself guilty of this many times in my life. Like I will continue to reiterate, I am not perfect. I have flaws. However, I will not allow others to plant that poisonous seed of “you are not enough” in my subconscious. That is a huge mistake I made in my last long term relationship and it took me through hell and back to be myself again.

Will I apologize for not flinching when someone walks out of my life? No. Will I chase anyone who does not want to be chased? No. Will I place effort, time and energy into things that no longer serve a purpose? No.

I have done that too many times in my life. I am not getting any younger. At the age of 28, it is now that I am learning and putting into practice the art of letting go. I am relishing in the fact that I am evolving and not mistaking that for feeling numb. I am moving on and progressing into the next stage of this journey..whatever that may be.

– Writer From Jersey

Lessons & The Company You Keep

Life teaches us lessons. That is one universal element of life I believe we can all agree on. I know for a fact that I have been taught an eternity of lessons from life. Some have taken me quite awhile to grasp, some I’ve learned quickly and others I keep re-learning over and over. Needless to say, I am one of those people who must learn from direct experience. I take in what others have told me from their own life journeys but I have this tendency to want to find out for myself. ALWAYS.

This can be a good thing but sometimes, it comes back to bite me in the ass. Hard. I am at a stage where some of those lessons are finally setting in. Yes, in my late 20’s, the finality of those lessons are being felt. One of them is learning to be happy with myself. I have learned to love myself but am I happy with myself? There are mixed emotions that come with that answer. I know I have came a long way and I am immensely proud of myself for that. However, I have a lot of work to do in some aspects of my life. My finances are one huge thing I have to work on. I am the absolute worst when it comes to saving money, one of my biggest struggles is with food. Anybody who knows me knows I love to eat and eat well at that. Another huge vice of mine is drinking. The struggle of being a fatty and lover of wine/beer/anything alcoholic. There are several things I want to accomplish in my life but I have been the one holding myself back due to not having the money for it. Another part of my life I have been working on with next to no effort is eliminating toxic/unneeded people from my life. It is interesting seeing how those who have claimed to “always be there no matter what” are nowhere to be found. Let me just clear things up and say that I understand we are all adults and have our lives to live. That is just a pretty well known fact of adulthood. However, I have had some individuals throw shade at me on the low for not being around as much or not texting as often. I am sure I have stated this in previous blog posts but the phone works both ways. Am I guilty of not pulling my end of the wagon? Sure. But for very good reason. I am seriously just trying to get my shit together. Funny that I have to use wise words from an ex of mine out of all sources but she always used to say that if people are going to get mad at me for getting my shit together and that being the reason for me “disappearing” or going ghost, they are not my true friends. Extreme paraphrase and I am cringing slightly that I had to use her words but it is the absolute truth. People take your unintended absence due to you living life way too personal. The crazy part about these individuals is that they should know me better. This shouldn’t even play a factor at all in our friendship. But as with all things in life, changes take place. I have been thinking this must be the universe telling me these are friendships that have been outgrown. Their chapter in my life must come to a close. As much as it may hurt, feel weird and out of place for them not to be present, it must be done. I wish anybody who will not make it to the next chapter of my life the very best and that is meant from the bottom of my heart. I remain grateful for those who have stuck it out and respected my space but our bond remains strong. Truly, their loyalty means the world to me.

I am working on myself, last but not least. It is something long overdue and I owe it to myself. I have abandoned myself greatly time and time again just to make others happy. There are days I feel out of my element because I am not socializing or being in the mix. By nature, I am a social butterfly. I enjoy interacting with others and establishing connections. Separating myself from the noise and immersing myself in the quiet is refreshing/needed but it feels so weird. The do not disturb function on my iPhone is my best friend most days. I find that I ignore text messages at times and sometimes get annoyed when my phone is being banged with notifications. I get irritated with the neediness and clingyness of people. Well, it depends on who they are. I just have grown to cherish the solitude but remind myself every now and then that I have to interact with others outside of the parameters of work and family.

Writing this blog post has felt so relieving. This has been a lot to get off of my chest. Putting it into writing has made all of these things feel real and attainable.

As always, if anybody is feeling the same way as I do, please feel free to contact me. I know we can share some mutual experiences and offer some much needed advice.

– Writer From Jersey