Spiritual Orgasm

We read each other’s minds like vibes and chakras

Ours are perfectly aligned and synchronized in perfect harmony

Together we gather in this congregation of love and serenity

To worship each other in divine devotion and surrender

Your dominance is my idol that I seek peace in

You enter into my temple gracefully but with the aggression of a zealot

I cry out to you screaming your name in praise and adoration

On my knees head bowed in reverence to you

You are my sacred space, my protector and my healer

Yet your touch, warmth and presence hold me in the highest throne of all

A place where only goddesses rest their heads

You lay down your sacrifices in offering to my temple

It is the most intimate form of worship, held near and dear to me.

It is your love for me that illuminates my astral plane, galaxies and skies.

It is our love that hangs suspended in space orbiting around the moon & sun

In utter perfection.

– Writer From Jersey

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Door Is Always There

Snakes come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

So do well wishers, applauding friends and encouraging words uttered.

– Writer From Jersey

Life has been moving at the speed of light lately. I mean it always does honestly for me but I have just had this feeling of being more awake, or “woke.” I hate using that term as it is extremely overrated, but if I had to summarize how I’m feeling, that would be it. I do not see certain aspects of life the same way, friends included. This does not include my close friends who have been nothing but real in their own capacities. ( Forever grateful for yall ) This goes for those people I have outgrown. It is never anything personal as always but life takes us to different places. I have some individuals who are partaking in certain behaviors that are quite frankly fucking disturbing. Now I am by no means a prude in any way, shape or form. Nor am I judgmental or a harshly non-understanding person. I am as cooperative as they come. I cannot however stand for something I am genuinely uncomfortable with.

I am the friend everyone comes to for advice or input on things. I am not one to profess that I know everything either. I am always going to promise to give my opinion with absolutely no sugarcoating. I do not do the fake phony “oh you’re doing great sweetie” shit. I am going to tell you you’re fucking up and what are you gonna do to get to a better place? I will always push for you to do and be better because I am THAT FRIEND.

If me being that friend does not sit well with a person, the door is always there. If me being that friend makes you feel like I am of no good use for you because I’ll tell you shit you may not want to hear, the door is always there. If you ever get upset because I refuse to placate you with a lie just so you can sleep at night, THE DOOR IS ALWAYS FUCKING THERE.

If we cannot agree to disagree and you’ll attack me for giving my opinion/input/advice YOU ASKED FOR, the door is always there. I have never had any issue ending a friendship that was just hitting dead ends anyway. That’s life right? *Kanye shrug* Growth comes with eliminating the weeds and dead things from a beautiful garden.

 

– Writer From Jersey

If House Music Were A Nation

I came home from work tired and worn out. Not from work or anything related to it. But more so in spirit and physically. Could be cuz I am pmsing or because my emotions are so heightened. As I am blasting Peter Rauhofer’s (may he rest in House) remix to Nelly Furtado’s “Say It Right” remix, I feel such nostalgia, pain, joy and freedom mixed together anytime this comes up on my playlist. This used to be one of my Myspace songs back in the day. I understand why now fast forward 10 years later.

This was one of the songs that I played to remind me of my ex Elba who was tragically killed back in 2015. The trial is currently going on for her murder. I cannot divulge much in terms of details due to legal reasons obviously but the pain due to losing her never goes away. I have long since lost hope to finding a love like hers. A fact I have never came to terms with or told anyone much in detail about. It is an uphill battle not only losing a former lover but someone who was in fact my best friend and a person who knew and understood the me I was before the me I am today.

Finding someone recently who comes eerily close to that is unsettling..but in good ways. That is the first stepping stone to moving on. It is also a breaking in point I am not used to. I am being exposed in my own raw flesh and twisting my bones and muscles in ways I didn’t think I was still capable of. I can truly say I have never encountered someone like Elba in this lifetime..until now.

House music has long since been an escape, mood booster and pain reliever for me. It is in house music that I find joy to match my triumphs, healing for my wounds and the same freedom of expression I have in my writing. I have been a fan of house music since being in my mother’s womb. I believe it is safe to say I am a child of the nation of house music.

– writer from jersey

Privacy.

Hiding how I feel has always been one of my best/worst attributes to my personality. My face is one of my “snitches” when it comes to how I really feel about anything. Being a transparent person with nothing to hide is something I have always strived for in my relationships and how I deal with people. However, when it comes to my personal life and business, I realize that transparency isn’t always what’s best when it comes to protecting your own.

I have this blog in which I have revealed a lot about my personal life. I know my previous sentence is extremely contradicting to what I am doing now in a way. I think the angle I am trying to get at is more along the lines of how fast you are to share something via social media or to the world.

We live in an age where you can find out anything about anything on the internet. Recipes, makeup tutorials, the news, who’s screwing who and when it happened, etc. The phrase “word travels fast” is a fucking understatement. While having the ability to be privy to information quickly can be beneficial, it can also lead you to growing extremely annoyed at what and how much people broadcast over the internet. It makes you wonder what the hell goes through the minds of people before they hit that share/post/tweet button.

I will admit by saying I am guilty of being one of those who used social media as her diary in an unconstructive manner. I used to post certain statuses, memes, statements etc to be dramatic and to stir the pot. Ahh the days of being younger and petty. I remember using social media as a platform to cause drama and prove insignificant points on how much better I was than other individuals. Being in the mix of all the mayhem held such a sickening appeal to me. It wasn’t until my last long term relationship which also had much of it’s issues rooted from misunderstandings of social media posts that led me to not post about everything that came to mind.

Going through some real life adult shit will make you shift your perspective on what to post on social media and who needs to know what. It will also cause you to not have any time or energy for the drama. I see how others just post about their every move, emotions, thought and whereabout and I sit there looking at my screen like, “Can you just enjoy life and experience it without needing validation from others about your existences?” Shames me to say I have some family members who do this. It’s both annoying and frustrating. I think once you reach a point of growth with things like this, you look back and are so grateful for not remaining in at that stage of immaturity. Now, I am not saying it’s wrong to post about positive things like getting a new job, pictures of your baby/family or pictures from a special occasion. It is sometimes even okay to be transparent and open about emotional struggles because you never know who may see your post and find some solace in it. What I am not fine with is those who post every single aspect of their relationship drama or hop on any social media bandwagon just to get more likes and comments. It’s when posts like that become out of hand that I begin to understand why some people say social media is not for them or why taking a break from it all is often needed.  It has also helped me learn who to stay the fuck away from.

If I were to bring this up in a discussion with certain people, they would go on to say “oh it’s my page, I can post what I want, blah blah.” That is in fact very true but then you’ll most often hear those same individuals complaining about being involved in drama and being all woe is me. You attract what you generate and not for nothing, when you filter out all of the noise from the cacophony from social media statuses and posts, you really grow from whatever experience you are currently going through in life. You truly do get to know yourself as a person and those around you as well.

In my personal life, I have grown to enjoy whatever life throws at me by just not sharing everything on social media. It has strengthened relationships both with others and with myself. I cherish the moments and learn from them. I have also learned to use certain forms of social media ( my blog =D ) as a form of therapy and to be productive. So go out there and enjoy life!!

-Writer From Jersey

 

Woman of the House.

For most women, it is a great pride and joy to take on this role. For most women, it is what they’re born for, built for and destined for. I think of myself in this way for the most part but let’s face it, I grew up with my own mother taking on the woman of the house role and also being a career woman. That same statement rings true even now in my adult life..kind of. I say kind of because my mother has not been herself on and off for the past two years.

My mom began menopausing in her early 40’s. I know she’d most likely kill me for putting her business out there for the world to see but it is for the sole purpose of writing this blog and to shed some light for the next topic. This change in her mood and character prompted several shifts in my family’s life. One of them being my role in the house. I had always chipped in when I could despite a busy work schedule and trying to maintain a social life but now I had to put a lot of things on hold. It went from me being able to take my time coming home or stopping for happy hour drinks whenever I wanted to rushing home to put dinner on the table. I had to walk on eggshells and have my patience tested with tending to my mother hand and foot because she was just incapable of doing for herself. My sister had to leave work numerous times to either drive my mother to the hospital because of an anxiety attack or to a doctor’s appointment. My father had to take on sending payments for bills, a job that was once tasked to my mother. He had to be the one going to the supermarket to do food shopping with me being by his side since I was the one in the kitchen majority of the time.  Medical bills began piling up due to these hospital and doctor visits on top of the usual regular bills. As the months and years passed, my mother did have her highs and lows. But that’s the entire point. It never seemed like she would ever return back to her normal self.

I cannot count how many times us as immediate family, close friends and doctors told my mother that the road to her getting better could only start to be walked by her. Everyone else, the medications and doctors can be there to support her but the journey can only start with her. It took a 3 day hospital stay and for myself and my father to sit her down and be like, this is enough. You have to get through the periods of anxiety and wait it out. The last ER doctor even told her that there literally is nothing they could do other than what was done already, (EKG’s to prove she wasn’t having a heart attack, MRI’s and CT scans of her brain to prove she wasn’t having a stroke, echocardiograms to prove she had no abnormalities in her heart, blood work for any other underlying causes.) What was plaguing my mother was her own anxiety that she was allowing to spiral out of control. It took us to finally draw that line and to subliminally tell my mother to get her shit together.

I know for a fact this blog has a slightly whiny/selfish undertone and I am not going to apologize for it. This blog entry does not even begin to summarize the fact that my hair was falling out, my anxiety came so close to surfacing because I felt like I was taking on the role of caretaker for someone who had a deathly terminal illness when that in fact was not the case.

It is safe to say that for the past 2 weeks, my mother has somewhat returned to her old self. I am grateful but not holding my breath as I know the nature of the beast called anxiety is unpredictable. I am going to embrace her being herself and never stop reminding her that she is strong and she is beautiful. I also cannot lose sight that I need to live life for me. I can’t drop everything for my mother or anyone in my family. Anxiety is not something to undermine or be taken lightly. It can deteriorate strong ties that once held a family together, destroy a once strong individual and make even the sanest go insane. However, the road to recovery always starts with you.

– Writer From Jersey

Bloodlust

I know it is you that can satisfy these deep rooted dark urges for pain & pleasure.

I have glanced at you from afar desiring your dominance over my body.

Never being able to escape that pull from within my soul.

We are both twisted individuals who crave devotion in the highest.

I look to you for security and you look to me for the same.

Satisfaction being reached in the tangle of ropes and sheets

Only we understand this sadistic love we share.

Clinging to our shadows of beautiful disaster.

Losin Control (Jasmine’s Version)

Fell in love once and I lost all control

Fought against the inevitable truth

We just weren’t meant to be

Got sold dreams, goals and beautiful versions of an unfinished story

Only to have it end in a vicious nightmare

Months later, memories haunt my soul

Many have wondered how I grew so cold

Had my entire world ripped from underneath me

By the one who was my world

So you say I don’t let anybody in

I have every reason to be so cautious

For my heart has grown tired, bitter and angry

That was my last straw, the final icing of the cake

I’ve gotten stronger, wiser and smarter

Turned pain into power

Learned to love myself even more

I can only thank my past for gifting me

With this process called progress for the better.

– Jasmine (Writer From Jersey)

Hard to Love

No one is easy to deal with. I don’t care how much of an easygoing person you claim to be or how laid back you are. Everybody has their pain in the ass moments. That is perfectly okay. I can only speak from a woman’s perspective because for starters, I am one. Also, I date women so I can speak on dealing with women romantically.

I’ve been extremely guilty for saying that I am hard to love, not easy to deal with and heartless. Usually these statements come right after a heartbreak or when life is not quite going my way.  The negative backlash these sentences carry have been great. Thinking back to when I was closed off and unwilling to allow anyone in, I permitted for myself to become who hurt me and turn into this person who in reality was not me at all. I could have had chances with women who would have treated me like the queen I am but I let my past dictate to me how my present would turn out. I was hindering my own progression and growth.

Heartbreak and everything that encompasses it sucks. We all know that to be a fact. The interesting part about that process is LIFE GOES ON. That very well may be the last thing you want to hear. It may sound damn near impossible at the moment but there is life after heartbreak. What I could not find in another person, I learned I could find that from within. I took back my own happiness and grew to enjoy my own company. However, I have only recently began to explore embracing the concept of allowing someone in, if the vibe is right of course. All in due time.

Extremely satisfied with finally posting as I was without a laptop for the past 2 months due to my old charger breaking. Thanks to my dad, I am up and running. Thank you to my faithful readers/followers for your patience and dedication to visiting my blog. I write for you guys as always.

–  Jasmine (Writer From Jersey)

Talking With My Demons

Having daily conversations with my demons has proven to be both beneficial and destructive. Discovering things about myself I don’t want to face but my hand is forced to do so. I talk to the demon called alcohol dependency and while it hasn’t taken on it’s full form, it beckons to me to keep picking up that bottle and making myself broke as I swipe my card for more drinks. Demon of depression shouts that I’ll never see the sun again and this black cloud of misery will forever hover over my tired body. Anxiety demon wakes me up faithfully through the night and early in the morning telling me to wake up in fear of facing the day, filling my mind with uncontrollable thoughts of uncertainty. Body image demon has my reflection distorted in the mirror of an ugly, unlovable and undesirable person, what with the weight I’ve gained these past two years, the pounds I’ve neglected to shed. I speak to all of these ugly creatures on a daily basis and sometimes when I beg and plead, they go away but they come back faithfully.

Fighting back tears as I have every single one of them rearing their heads currently. I fight demons. I fight them with the hope and faith of God and the universe I serve. This is one form of violence I’ll never get tired of participating in. It is the fight for my life, my happiness, my soul.

 – Writer From Jersey

Feeling Numb or Evolving

It is without a doubt that I have changed drastically since the beginning of this year. I’ve had a person who I thought was going to be in my life forever walk away. I lost a friendship I thought would stand the test of time but apparently, we are on two different pages to the point that we cannot coexist as we always did. In both of these relationships I once had, I have not always been perfect. That I can admit freely and openly. I know I am not one to text or call as often anymore. I was not understanding to the reality of many things in my previous romantic involvement. I do know that I gave my all in my own capacity..and it still was not enough.

People always seem to want to hold you to a standard they themselves cannot uphold. I find myself guilty of this many times in my life. Like I will continue to reiterate, I am not perfect. I have flaws. However, I will not allow others to plant that poisonous seed of “you are not enough” in my subconscious. That is a huge mistake I made in my last long term relationship and it took me through hell and back to be myself again.

Will I apologize for not flinching when someone walks out of my life? No. Will I chase anyone who does not want to be chased? No. Will I place effort, time and energy into things that no longer serve a purpose? No.

I have done that too many times in my life. I am not getting any younger. At the age of 28, it is now that I am learning and putting into practice the art of letting go. I am relishing in the fact that I am evolving and not mistaking that for feeling numb. I am moving on and progressing into the next stage of this journey..whatever that may be.

– Writer From Jersey