Finally being in a healthy, loving and mature relationship in all aspects is a bit unreal sometimes. Especially when you’ve grown accustomed to the opposite. Let me just say that I am not a perfect person. I am not easy to deal with. I constantly crave reassurance and get attached. I need to be told that things are okay and not only that, be shown that with actions. People demonstrate that differently and absorb it differently as well. However I have always been the one to give more, love more and sacrifice more. It had gotten to a point that the “more” I was giving left me with nothing and drained dry. I could not find it in me to repeat the cycle of getting heavily involved just to have to rip a bandaid off abruptly because for some reason, all of the more I gave forth wasn’t enough. That all changed when my girlfriend and I got together. She was just like me. The one who gave more, felt more and sacrificed more. We both spoke that same love language of needing to be SHOWN LOVE. Words mean the world to us and we do not speak them without meaning. Actions are everything in backing up those same words and we do our best to remain consistent in those towards each other and for our relationship. I have learned the art of persistence and patience with her. I have delved deeper into my spirituality and expanding my knowledge because of her. She has inspired me so much to be more of the phenomenal woman I already was. I know for a fact she has learned from me. I’ve been witness to that. She recently had some losses but did not allow them to deter her in any way. I have watched this woman grow mentally and emotionally in such beautiful ways. She is not only my girlfriend but also my best friend, coach, confidante and the peace I’ve needed for a long time. I love how we are also not afraid to check each other if one is lacking or needing work on something whether that be how we handle a situation or reminding each other of errands that need to be done. This is what LOVE is. Real, unfiltered, unconditional love. The universe has indeed performed a masterpiece in bringing us together. I am forever grateful. I am happy. I am in love.
I made a slightly reckless but fulfilling move this past week. I had went to see my girlfriend in Massachusetts because we wanted to work out a possible, complicated but doable living situation. Long distance relationships are not easy in any way, shape or form. I don’t care how anyone twists it but they can work if two individuals put in the necessary effort so the relationship can thrive and last. I originally was going to remain here for a weekend but after doing some soul searching, deep thinking and a lot of crying, I let go of my fears and decided to stay. Bold and spontaneous moves are usually my style if I’m considering what to do for a night out or how to spend my day but not life changing decisions. I am an over thinker and love to analyze every single possible scenario about a situation.
For a very long time, I have felt restricted in my parent’s home. Part of it is my own fault because I am in fact an adult. I don’t have any kids so making any move would only pose good or bad for myself. I think I easily fall into that mentality of worrying too much about what my family thinks, kind of how most scared teenagers think. Completely understandable since you are nowhere near ready to take on the real world during those times. Shit I am about to be 29 and still don’t feel THAT ready. I know so much more now than I did at the age of the 18. I have been broke, hungry, jobless and still managed to rise above all of that. Even while living in my parent’s house sometimes because I refuse to ask them for any help. I have my personal reasons for that. I really have grown tired of being at a standstill in my home and also at my job. Not being able to think clearly because I have to think for everyone else and about everyone else before I do so for myself. I also of course wanted so badly to be with my girlfriend and if this was a chance to do so until we completely can have our own, I was going to take it. I know I’d have rebuttals, disapproval and then some from my family. I mean that has always been the case with any decision I’ve made, I feel.
I know I made the right decision. Things may be a bit hard and everything but it will work out. Landed an interview within 2 days of me making the decision. I refuse to give up no matter what. Stubborn Taurus shit. I know I have not gotten into details about the actual living situation and I won’t becaue it’s altogether too private and just information that doesn’t need to be shared for now. All I know is this is the exact push of motivation both my girlfriend and I need so badly. I am with a hard shell Cancer (Lucky me LOL) and she has her moments when things get too much or intense, she retreats back into her shell. My sign is the Bull and we do not back down for shit. At the fuck all. I have told her on several occasions that her moments do not scare me. We may not have had conventional ways of doing things or starting things but they always work out.
Make that move. Lose those fears. Learn from the struggles and hard times. Rise to the beautiful successes and golden ages.
– Writer From Jersey
Drowning in rivers of pleasure brought on by your touch and presence
Being torn apart by your fingers and exploding into pieces
Ecstasy mirorroed by your eyes as they bore into mine
Forcing myself to keep quiet because this is all such a secret yet everyone knows
We crash, collide and float on waves of passion and lust until the sun comes up
7am sharp and our bodies become ghosts that once roamed your bed.
Jay began kissing on my neck again but this time caressing my stomach with one hand while gently pulling my hair with the other hand. She whispered how long shes waited for me and said my name repeatedly. I moaned and sighed in reply. She found the opening of my dress and flicked a finger so gently and accurately on my clit. I knew for a fact that my panties were already soaked. Jay sharply inhaled and said, “Fuck, you are already so wet for me beautiful.” I whimpered out a “Yes I am” and covered my face in my hands, This was really happening. She got off of me and a change in her tone took place as she said, “Take that dress off slowly and stand there for me. I want to finally admire you fully.” My heart pounding in my chest, I began to take off my dress conveniently remembering that I did not wear a bra. I finally inched out of my underwear and felt a wave of shyness come over me. Jay sat on her bed looking me in the eyes still with a really serious face. No smile. Not one hint of emotion on her actual face but her eyes said it all. She had hunger, desire, and flat out arousal written in her gaze. “Fuck, why are you so damn gorgeous Nami? Turn around.” I obliged and heard her suck in a breath as she caressed my ass grazing my pussy before she took her hands away. I turned towards her again and kissed her. She began to take off her own clothes leaving on her t shirt underneath and her boxers. I bit my lip as I saw how her body was just perfect. I was never a fan of overly skinny women (not to bodyshame) so the fact that she had some weight to her made me excited. Jay came towards me and kissed me roughly as she pinned me against a wall. Her hand found my pussy and she gently fingered me letting out a soft moan. I could hear and feel how wet I was. Her hands wandered to my breasts and she caressed them to then bend her head over to suck my nipples. “You feel so damn good babe.” I moaned in her ear as she continued her relentless pleasuring of my clit. She stepped back to lick her fingers all the while staring at me in the face. Jay grabbed me and said, “I want to fuck and eat you all night long. You’re mine tonight Nami. Is that okay with you?” Nodding my head yes, she pushed me unto the bed and spread my legs open. I felt cool air between my legs which undoubtedly came from my pussy being soaked. Placing gentle but rough bites between my thighs, her mouth came close to my clit and she kissed it so softly. Then she took her fingers to spread my lips and licked softly again. I begged her to just eat me until I screamed. Jay looked up at me with a devious expression and her mouth latched unto my pussy along with her tongue. I felt every single atom in my body go haywire as I screamed in pleasure. She was not kidding when she said she could eat me all night because I truly lost track of time. All I knew and was experiencing was her mouth becoming one with my pussy. I felt like the electric vibes of ecstasy came in waves and I was being consumed with every one. She would caress my thighs and reach up to do the same to my boobs as well. I said her name repeatedly like my favorite chorus of a song. My legs began to shake and I let go while emitting a loud scream. Jay came up for air finally and just admired at how spent she had me. She came and cuddled with me from behind kissing me. “How was that?” she asked. I said, “Holy shit woman, you seriously are going to have me hooked.” Jay laughed and said, “Oh but we are not done yet.” I turned over with widened eyes and said, “What?!?” Jay grabbed my face and said, “I am going to fuck you with my strap and trust me, you will never want to leave this room once I’m done with you.” I turned over to kiss her and whispered in her ear, “I dont want to leave and I want you inside of me. Please.” Pulling my hair and kissing me again, she got up from the bed and had one of her ties in her hand. “I’m going to blindfold you and I will need you to turn and bend over for me.” I smirked and let her blindfold me so I couldn’t see a damn thing in front of me. I then bent over in her bed with my ass all up in the air and waited. I heard her shuffling about her room and she just kept telling me what a sight I was to behold and how beautiful I was. I just stayed shut and let her do her thing. I felt her come behind me to fondle my ass and without warning, I felt her hand come down really hard. I moaned in response and she pulled my hair so she could kiss me again. “Nami, how do you want me to give it to you?” she asked. I felt my pussy juice drip as I replied, “Softly but then get rough. I’ve been a bad girl and I want you to put me in my place.” The alcohol was really making me bold and also adding on to my horniness. All I wanted was to be her little slut. She laid kisses all over my back and even planted some on my ass cheeks. “You ready babe?” Jay questioned me. I said, “Yes”. I inhaled sharply as she slowly but surely pushed her strap in me. I felt my pussy contract and expand as she pushed into me even further. I let out a yell and my hips instinctively went back to meet hers and to push her even further into me. Jay placed both her hands on the sides of my waist and thrust into me over and over. I felt like if her strap was so deep and as if my stomach was going to explode but the waves of pleasure kept coming. Jay grabbed my hair to pull my face closer to hers and said, “You’re so fucking tight yet you take every inch so beautifully. You are mine Nami. Mine.” I cried out in pain and just nodded my head as she pounded my pussy repeatedly. The intense heaviness, wetness and ecstasy I felt from her being inside me had me screaming her name plus gasping for air at the same time. At one point, she wrapped her hands around my neck and choked me muttering, “You’re such a good slut for daddy, baby.” That was all it took for me to press my face into the mattress and scream her name. I cummed harder than anything I had ever experienced before. I felt as if I was floating within every galaxy in space and then came down harshly to earth. Jay pulled out of me and I heard her shuffling for a bit for her to then come lay down next to me stroking my hair. I was still shaking ever so slightly and moaned with pure bliss and satisfaction. “Fuckkkkk…that was wowww”, I exclaimed in joy. She smiled against my cheek and kissed my neck to then say “This is only the beginning beautiful. I am all yours as long as you want me to be.”
Math was never my strong point but any and every move I made had to be calculated. It was indeed the Taurus in me craving security and comfort that played a role in this mindset. I needed to know what was going on, when and why. Of course life never offers us this luxury but for the most part, I managed. My relationships before her were not perfect clearly but I had never allowed anyone to own me, in any aspect that is. I had also never felt such a strong sense of security with anyone, being so willing to submit to someone. Until she came along …
I will call her Jay which is in fact her nickname. That day we met was a prerequisite to so much. So much. I was sitting in my office staring at a stack of drafts lost in thought about my recent encounter with my estranged father when my boss Mila tapped me on the shoulder. “Nami? Nami! Are you okay?” I jumped and nodded while asking her what she needed when I noticed she was not alone. “So this is Jay. She’s one of the new publishing assistants we just hired and being that you’ve been here the longest, I just wanted you to be her point of reference if she needed anything.” I eyed Jay and immediately felt a chill go down my spine. She was breathtakingly beautiful. Fair skinned with these honey brown eyes and long black hair. She had such a serious demeanor about her but I picked up on a commanding softness once she locked eyes with me. “Hi, welcome.”, I managed to blurt out. She smiled and said her thanks. Mila then launched into her usual welcome speech and explained some obvious breakdowns that come with introducing someone to a new job. I then heard her say that Jay would be shadowing/helping me with the stack of drafts I had on my desk and I felt a nervousness settle over me. I will confess it had been a minute since I had let myself be privy to any eye candy much less at work on top of that. But it seemed inevitable that our paths had to cross.
Once Mila had finished her formalities and then left us to do our work, Jay and I went through some awkward conversation as I basically walked her through the stack of drafts I had but hit it off effortlessly as we talked about our backgrounds, obsession with coffee, serial killers and food. “You know, you don’t strike me as being into dark morbid shit. You seem like your typical Latina, being into hip hop, spanish music and all that.” I laughed and replied, “Appearances are deceiving. I can honestly vibe to anything if I have a genuine interest to it, music being one.” Jay then went on to say, “I’m mind blown that you know who Deftones is and that you actually like their music and rock in general.” I smirked and explained to her that my dad was really the influence with music for me despite my current relationship with him being strained. I then went silent and shook my head. She said, “Yet another thing we have in common even remotely because my own father was a deadbeat.” Jay shrugged her shoulders and said, “Life still goes on regardless of who’s around.” I agreed and realized we had less than half of the drafts to finish. I pointed out that fact and she smiled shyly. I noticed how she also had a smug air about her smile and blushed. I had no clue why but I was turned on. Reaching for my water and sipping vigorously on it, I glanced at the clock and it read 4:55pm. “Well it’s almost time to go. I really hope your first day was pretty decent.” I said. Jay nodded and said, “Thank you for making it way more than decent. It’s been awhile since I’ve had some meaningful conversation with someone both intelligent and beautiful.” She winked and I just turned my head away and hid my smile. As 5 rolled around, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. I got into my car and took several deep breaths. I knew it was so wrong to have sexual attractions for your coworkers but fuck, I had it bad. The thoughts already circling my mind were enough to have me burned at the stake and then some.
As the next few months went by, Jay was catching on to the job very well as I expected and moved on to being seated at her own desk. Of course it had to be one that was somewhat across from mine so we would occasionally steal glances at each other during the day. Anytime that happened, I felt myself blush hotly and did everything in my power to contain myself. Why the fuck was she so damn fine for?! Temptation being placed right before me and I was fighting my morals left and right. We also would talk endlessly during our lunch breaks and the conversation was always a highlight of my day. I found myself even sad to go home sometimes because I wanted to be at work and gaze at her on the low. Thankfully, my work did not suffer from being like a teenager in high school with a crush…at my damn workplace!
One Friday afternoon as I was wrapping up my workload for the day, I overhear some of the other publishing assistants talking about heading to a local bar called Stiletto’s later on. Usually I would tune out the conversation and leave when these types of things came up but I then felt a presence near me. I looked to my left and noticed Jay leaning casually against the wall near my desk. I instantly snapped out of my reverie and said, “So got any plans for tonight?” She shrugged and replied, “I’m considering going out with the rest to that bar but I’m new so it may be a bit awkward.” I nodded slightly in agreement and then a sudden rush of boldness came over my ass as I said, “Maybe we can go together. I’ll be the ice breaker for you and introduce you.” I saw her eyes light up with happiness and dare I say mischieviousness as she accepted my invite. I smiled and said, “Well I’ll meet you there around 8:30.” We agreed and again went our separate ways for one of the last times, little did I know.
Clad in one of my slinkiest black dresses and heels, hair wild and curly around my face and wearing my favorite Colourpop red lipstick, I made my way towards Stiletto’s and made out Jay leaning against the wall near the entrance. I needed to make sure several times that my jaw hadn’t dropped down to the floor cuz Jesus Christ she was mouthwatering. Her hair was actually down and straightened. She usually kept it pulled up in a ponytail at work. She had on a black button up shirt with black jeans and black shoes. I noticed she changed her gauges to these blood red ones and I needed to resist every urge to jump her bones right there. “Hi.” I muttered shyly. I peeped she was just in awe of how I looked and I silently thanked the universe it was a little dark so she couldn’t see me blushing. “Nami, you look amazing. Wow.” she said in calm admiration. I smiled and motioned for her to go inside. We went towards the bar area where I saw Sandra, Magaly, Jordan, Dimitri and Lianee. I made the customary intros and they all said hellos. Immediately, Sandra yelled shots and I winced and laughed at the same time. I looked over at Jay who just had an evil smirk and said, “Why not?” Within minutes, there were shots of tequila lined up and I took mine immediately. Liquid courage would be needed.
I turned to Jay and asked her what she wanted and she replied, “Well since we just took shots of tequila, I’ll have a Modelo.” I nodded and signaled to the bartender and ordered her drink plus my usual which was their house sangria. The night continued as if we were at work minus some obvious signs of restraint we had to adhere to. I took note of how she drank in everything I said and how I also did the same for her. I also noticed how my coworkers even were drawn to her sense of mystery. Lianee kept giving me sneaky looks like “Bitch, she is dangerous but go for it.” My coworkers knew about my sexuality and were all perfectly fine with it, of which I was grateful for.
I had that glass of sangria, two Coronas and a margarita. Jay had her fair of drinks but still managed to keep that same calm cool composure. She gave me a lingering look as I was rambling about something and said, “You do know I’m wildly attracted to you and have been since day one.” I did the only double take and laughed hysterically. Feeling the effects of the alcohol ever so slightly which propelled me even further to become bolder, I replied, “Oh is that so? I had no idea.” I grinned and took another nervous sip of my 2nd margarita. She grew serious and reached over to whisper the word yes in my ear, then she landed the sweetest kiss on my neck. I shivered in pleasure, shock and ecstasy as I gazed around the bar. I noticed all of my coworkers had left, probably to go to the next spot and it was literally just us at the bar. I breathed in a sigh and said, “We work together. You know people talk.” She muttered, “I don’t care. We can take it slow. Tonight is not the night for reckless abandon but it’s coming.” I felt my temperature rise several degrees as she leaned in closer to plant more kisses on my exposed flesh. I knew there was music loud and blaring at the bar but I fought to stifle a moan. She picked up on my body tensing up and smiled against my skin. I lifted my face up only to have her grab it gently and kiss me. The room dissapeared and my legs melted into a puddle of warm wetness. I pulled away and just looked at her feeling my eyes get heavy with desire. She too had that same look but this one had a predatory, almost primal look. “Okay, I think we both have had alot to drink and should be heading home. I hope you didn’t think I was trying to take advantage of you or anything.” she said with a look of caution that flooded her face all of a sudden. I grabbed her hand and told her, “No, believe me I did not take it that way and you just opened up the only door.” A smirk spread across her face as she replied, “Oh you have no idea.” as she signaled the bartender to close out our tab. Once that was taken care of, she placed her hand around my waist and we headed out of the bar to then head home.
For the record, we definitely did not have sex that night or even come upstairs to my apartment which we coincedentally found out was 2 blocks from hers. I grew so puzzled at how I had never seen her before until she relayed to me that she had only moved here a month ago. I pondered this and realized it made perfect sense since I basically just went to work and came home. I was not much for socializing these days what with dealing with my dad’s bullshit and only just now getting over a horrible breakup. I will confess that I had a hard time sleeping that night. I was a writhing ball of hormones needing to be satisfied. Her kiss and touch left me on fire and craving more. That look of predatory dominance made every single hair on my body stand up and I found myself wanting to be on my knees in front of her. Who the fuck was this woman and how in the hell was I ever going to act around her at work? Even more so, the next time we would be alone.
Wednesdays were always the busiest days in the office. I dreaded them like the plague because that’s when almost all of the deadlines for proofread manuscripts were due. My boss would be on edge and have her occasional bitch moments but none of which were catastrophic. I finally submitted my last proofred manuscript to my sent bin and sighed. I heard Jay call my name from her desk and perked up. She held up her hand next to her ear in a phone symbol and pointed down to her desk. I wrinkled up my forehead in confusion for a second and realized that she wanted me to check my phone. I opened up my drawer and checked my phone to see that she had texted me. I smiled and read the message which said, “Would you like to have dinner with me at my place tonight? I’ll cook whatever you want. :)” I could hardly contain the grin on my face as I seriously thought over the million and one scenarios in my head. Going to her place?!?!? This was really unexpected, forward and so intimate. I inhaled and exhaled deeply and texted her back. “Sure. If you could make a mean ass steak.” I sent the text and looked up from my desk to wink at her. Within 2 minutes, I noticed my phone screen come to life with another text message notification. The message read, “Got you. Rib eye sound good with some roasted potatoes and mixed veggies. I also have a nice merlot if you want.” I looked across the room at her only to find her stealing intense glances at me as if she was waiting for an answer on my face. I nodded at her and smiled. She smirked and went back to doing her work. Needless to say, I was on a bit of cloud 9 for the remainder of the day. As I was walking to my car, she came up to me and said, “Thank you for accepting my invite. Come over at 7 if that’s a good time for you.” I replied, “Sure. Want me to bring anything?” Jay said, “No, just your beauty and perfect company. Already texted you my address.” I blushed and smiled. Then we hopped in our cars to go home.
I rushed over to my apartment to practically dive into the shower, give my hair a good wash, take care of the essentials in lady prepping if you know what I mean and slyly picked out some work clothes to throw into one of my bigger purses. Oh sure I may have been getting just a little ahead of myself but I wanted to be prepared. We had had several sneaky and steamy kissing sessions in various places of the office building and on one occasion, she had my skirt lifted almost to my chest and pulled away at the last minute saying ” It isnt time yet baby. Not yet.” Her composure was unmatched because internally, my ass had zero composure. However all good things come to those who wait so I just sighed and agreed with her. I walked over to my full length mirror in my bedroom and grinned in approval. I chose another black dress (shit I had alot of those) but this one left way more to the imagination than the one I had on at Stilettos. It was still pretty low cut but slightly longer and hugged my ass perfectly. I was by no means a size zero but had hips, thighs and ass for a lifetime. My hair was pulled back in a bun and I had on my favorite gold earrings. I wore one of my Loreal lipsticks but in Stirred which was a wine color. I wore a pair of black heels with a hint of burgundy in the end. I looked HOT. I packed essential small toiletries in my “purse”, grabbed my keys, phone and headed over to her apartment.
The sun was just beginning to set as I rang her doorbell. She lived in one of the nicer apartment buildings. Mine wasn’t all that bad but hers was definitely newer. My nerves were somewhat setting in as it dawned on me that I’d finally be having dinner at her place, being completely alone with her. I snapped out of my moment as she came to the door looking absolutely gorgeous. Her hair was back in a ponytail and she had on a grey short sleeved shirt that revealed the numerous tattos on her arms. I was internally drooling and not just from my mouth either in my head. She wore loose black pants and had on a pair of black Vans. “Hi there gorgeous.” she said with a smile and I replied back saying, “Hey there love.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek and then kissed me gently on the mouth. Jay led me into her apartment which smelled amazing apart from the dinner she was cooking. She had several candles lit and her place was decked out in a dark Egyptian theme. I raised my eyebrows in approval as we had similar tastes. I looked over and got startled when I saw her cat perched on the sofa staring at me with inquisitive eyes. “Hey Nami, I hope you aren’t allergic to cats. That’s Bastet. She’s a mush so dont mind her.” I replied, “No, just didnt expect to see her there.” I set my bag down and settled into the couch and Bastet immediately came over to sniff and rub her head on my hand telling me she wanted to be petted. Jay came over a few minutes later with a glass of wine and informed me dinner should be ready in about 10 minutes. During that time, we launched into a conversation about her place, our favorite foods and our mutual fascination with Egyptian mythology. I couldnt stop laughing at how Bastet didnt know if she wanted to stay close to me or to Jay. She really was a cute cat with her sleek black fur and the white marking she had over one eye. Jay then said, “I think the food’s done so let’s go eat at the table and enjoy dinner.” She took my half empty wine glass and I went over to her dining room table. She also had candles lit there and it was set up quite beautifully. I noticed a small box by where I would be sitting and wondered distinctly what was in there. I got interrupted when Jay came over with the plates of food to then come back with more wine. I became highly impressed when I noticed how artfully she arranged the food on the plate. I told her thank you for both having me over and cooking before digging in. The steak was beyond juicy and I closed my eyes in absolute pleasure before blurting out, “This is so fucking good!!” She laughed and replied, “Why thank you. I see you werent kidding when you said you loved a mean ass steak.” As we ate and talked, I noticed how she intently listened to every word I said and I found myself doing the same with her. She would sometimes reach across the table to hold and caress my hand. We talked about so many things. “So I know you noticed the box by your place at the table.” she said. I blushed at the term “your place” and nodded. Jay said, “Open it baby. It’s a gift for you.” I widened my eyes in surprise and reached for the box. I opened it to find two rose quartz crystals and an amethyst one. I looked up only to see her smiling. “Jay, I am speechless. How did you know these were the ones I was looking for?” I held the crystals in my hand and immediately felt the warmth and energy radiating from them. She said, “You mentioned to me that you needed these because they had gotten lost somehow and I decided to get them for you.” I couldn’t contain myself any longer and ran to the other side of the table to envelop her in a huge hug. She embraced me tightly and we kissed passionately. I dont know if it was the wine or the fact that we indeed were completely alone but the kiss lasted forever. Her tongue explored my mouth both cautiously and expertly and her lips wrapped around mine like they were created for mine alone. We pulled back and she grabbed my ass appreciatively. “Come on baby, let’s have some more wine. Tonight is our night.” I grinned and grabbed the bottle and glasses to head to the living room.
She connected her phone to her speaker and played some smooth indie R&B while I poured us some more wine. “How long have you been single?” she asked. I said, “Ah about a year or so. Just been solely focused on work and healing. It was needed.” Jay said, “I hear you. I’ve been single and pretty much doing the same. Some nights are harder than others but you make do with the situation.” I agreed and replied, “Well it feels good to have some company.” The wine flowed as easily as the conversation. We had several intense kissing sessions along with her grabbing my ass and caressing me everywhere. It wasnt until there was about less than a quarter of wine left in the bottle that she took hold of my face, looked me dead in the eye and said, “I want you. In my bed. So badly.” I moaned in reply as she left a few rough kisses on my collarbone. “Please..just take me baby. I want you. I need you.” I muttered. Without prelude, she lifted me up and carried me to her bed where she laid me down admiring how I looked in her comfortable king sized bed. I looked around the room and noticed her room was all black with the exception of dark grey trim and her curtains were blood red. She got on top of me to kiss me intensely once more and said, “Get prepared for a wild rough ride.”
Nestled in between your love and devotion
You cradle my face in your hands like a divine gift from the deepest realms of the universe
Energies crashing and colliding.
Art in it’s most intimate form is feeling you inside me
Around me and with me.
Held in the highest of honors, seated on a throne of passion
You are truly a god I have no qualms of bowing down to
Holding your hand as we rule our own world
I feel so powerful, safe and revered under your love.
You are everything.
– Writer From Jersey
Purely sick and tired of my mother. Fully aware that I have written about her in past blog posts. My tone varies from being sad to downright angry about how she’s given up blatantly on herself and everything to be honest. I am the only one in my house who can read in between the lines of not only what she says but more importantly, what she does. I pick up on patterns, habits, everything. I won’t say she doesn’t have a legit issue because she does. Currently awaiting to schedule a surgery for her. I have my mixed emotions about this because for the longest, we thought it was anxiety she was dealing with. That very well could have been part of it. However, I am beyond irritated at how she has had us running in circles and by us, I also mean her doctors too. Countless hospital and doctor visits, testing etc all for it to be an issue with your back?!?! All of this could have been resolved or well on it’s way to being resolved had SHE taken time and effort to understand her fucking symptoms. I feel like my mother was just waiting for an answer to fall from the damn sky and refused to acknowledge that it starts with HER. How do you struggle with something for long and don’t have any fucking idea how to manage it or adequately put your finger on what exactly is going on with you?
I also cannot stand how everyone is victimizing her and further enabling her “woe is me” tendencies. I’m looking at her like did you finally get what the fuck you wanted? You’re on short term disability and don’t need to go to your miserable ass job or lift a finger to do any real work. Congrats mom on successfully being a victim and a sad waste.
I sound very angry and resentful. I am aware. If you put up with half the shit I do in not even being able to enjoy your days off without having to cater to someone constantly, you’d understand.
I’ve always been fascinated by the moon. How she comes alive at night and shines so bright all on her own. While she appears to live in the shadow of the sun and all the other planets, it is her that has captured my eye with her dark mysterious beauty. It is the moon that washes me with peace and love. It is her shroud of enigma, secrecy and subtlety that has piqued my curiosity. I am in awe of her black roots. She is seductive and yearns for me to draw closer. I have a love affair with a woman who’s sign is ruled by the moon. It is fitting that my sign is ruled by the planet of love. Written in the stars, our story has been told long before we even picked up our pens, eyes and hearts in realization.
– Writer From Jersey
Interesting question, isnt it? What’s it gonna be? Of course that clearly shows that you’re at a point of reaching an ultimatum or breaking point. You’ve gotta either go left or right, stay silent or speak up, remain awake or fall asleep. I just had to throw some obvious examples that would give some light to the title of this post. This is a question I find myself asking my immediate family with regard to them accepting my sexuality in their own way.
I wont go into details of my coming out story as I am sure I have done so in various posts. I will say that it hasnt been until the end of 2016 that my parents were fully aware and in realization of me being gay. I mean they have known about it since 2007 but were in denial about it. I do acknowledge my part in it since I myself always treated it as the elephant in the room. Being semi raised in a religious family for my adolescence into my adult years has proven it quite hard to bring up the conversation. As much as they can say they respect it and accept it, it still makes them uncomfortable. I can understand to a point because it goes against everything they have grown to believe in and of course, it is not an easy pill to swallow seeing that your daughter/sister is not going through a phase. This is real. This is who she is. I can honestly say that I have not acquiesed to “allowing them to sleep at night” by trying to date men. I had gone on with that charade during my teen years and I refused to endure any of that being an adult. With that being said, my parents and sister have expressed that despite them not being comopletely accepting of my sexuality, they will respect it and want me to be more open/honest about it.
Ever since my recent relationship began, I have been as transparent as I can possibly be with my family. I do not desire nor want to shield anything from them anymore. What is the point? I am 28 going on 29 and I know for a fact that this is one part of me as a person that is not going to change. I casually mention my girlfriend sometimes and I can just immediately sense the discomfort. I can read in between the quiet moments following a statement I make about her. Quite frankly, I am completely dumbfounded, confused and the like. On one hand, I get it is a fairly new relationship they are hearing about but then again, I’m like isnt this what you all wanted? For me to be more open about this aspect of myself. How can you get my hopes up and throw open a door I thought would remain closed forever only to slam it shut in my face again? This is only scratching the surface as to why I really have grown resentful towards my family. I try to give them chances time and time again thinking that if I let down some of my own pride that they would do the same. And I keep being let down over and over.
I truly did not mean for this to take on a “woe is me” turn. Their behavior does not surprise me one bit. I did know better this time around that me being honest wouldn’t neccesarily translate into them asking questions, showing interest or acting like they fucking care despite their rigid beliefs. I do know that when the time comes for me to leave my house and have my own life on my terms fully, they will not hear from me as often and wonder why. I know this from a previous experience and the response I will give is this, “You should have cared when I was around. You should have asked when I was present. You should have embraced me when I was physically nearby.”
I have braced myself for years of having to live a life without the support of my immediate family, from where it matters most. The hurt that stems from this is a dull ache most days but sometimes, it hits me hard. It makes me wonder how I will feel on my wedding day not being able to look my mother in the eyes and hear her say, “you got this.” Not being able to hold my sister’s hand in pure giddiness or have my father walk me down the aisle. Not having my mother be there to guide me through motherhood when I have my first child or to even hold her hand tightly while I bring my first child into this earth. I can view it as me being the one losing out but in actuality, they are the ones who will lose out. Miserably at that. I look back at the past 10 or 11 years and I know for a fact I have never lost an ounce of sleep because I am living my truth. I am and have always been happy for being who I am. As I have stated in a previous blog post, if believing in God will make me lose loved ones or have me struggle to adhere to an impossible standard of perfection, revolving my life around it and just trying to be someone I’m not, I want no part of it. Life should be lived freely and without limitations and happily, not bound by man made principles and trying to be like a deity whos persona is widely misinterpreted and vastly questionable due to its followers.
Be fucking proud of who you are no matter who likes it or not. Even those from your own bloodline.
– Writer From Jersey
Gently plucked from mother Earth’s arms
Into the grasp of a dark lover’s fingers
Inhaling my scent and being consumed by my beauty
I pushed my seed from it’s shell and grew for you
Poked my head out from that black ground
To turn my face towards the sun.
The same sun that shines on you, lover
You have admired my petals for so long
Waiting until they were in full bloom
For you to caress their velvety insides
Pushing your nose into my flesh and even running your mouth to acquire a taste
I want to remain in your garden of wanton and reckless abandon
To thrive as the only flower that grows and grows in ecstasy.
– Writer From Jersey