Having daily conversations with my demons has proven to be both beneficial and destructive. Discovering things about myself I don’t want to face but my hand is forced to do so. I talk to the demon called alcohol dependency and while it hasn’t taken on it’s full form, it beckons to me to keep picking up that bottle and making myself broke as I swipe my card for more drinks. Demon of depression shouts that I’ll never see the sun again and this black cloud of misery will forever hover over my tired body. Anxiety demon wakes me up faithfully through the night and early in the morning telling me to wake up in fear of facing the day, filling my mind with uncontrollable thoughts of uncertainty. Body image demon has my reflection distorted in the mirror of an ugly, unlovable and undesirable person, what with the weight I’ve gained these past two years, the pounds I’ve neglected to shed. I speak to all of these ugly creatures on a daily basis and sometimes when I beg and plead, they go away but they come back faithfully.
Fighting back tears as I have every single one of them rearing their heads currently. I fight demons. I fight them with the hope and faith of God and the universe I serve. This is one form of violence I’ll never get tired of participating in. It is the fight for my life, my happiness, my soul.
– Writer From Jersey
It is without a doubt that I have changed drastically since the beginning of this year. I’ve had a person who I thought was going to be in my life forever walk away. I lost a friendship I thought would stand the test of time but apparently, we are on two different pages to the point that we cannot coexist as we always did. In both of these relationships I once had, I have not always been perfect. That I can admit freely and openly. I know I am not one to text or call as often anymore. I was not understanding to the reality of many things in my previous romantic involvement. I do know that I gave my all in my own capacity..and it still was not enough.
People always seem to want to hold you to a standard they themselves cannot uphold. I find myself guilty of this many times in my life. Like I will continue to reiterate, I am not perfect. I have flaws. However, I will not allow others to plant that poisonous seed of “you are not enough” in my subconscious. That is a huge mistake I made in my last long term relationship and it took me through hell and back to be myself again.
Will I apologize for not flinching when someone walks out of my life? No. Will I chase anyone who does not want to be chased? No. Will I place effort, time and energy into things that no longer serve a purpose? No.
I have done that too many times in my life. I am not getting any younger. At the age of 28, it is now that I am learning and putting into practice the art of letting go. I am relishing in the fact that I am evolving and not mistaking that for feeling numb. I am moving on and progressing into the next stage of this journey..whatever that may be.
– Writer From Jersey
You are always more than enough. Never let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel anything less than that. I have recently known what putting this into practice feels like.
I am never one to take my own advice. Then again, who does in reality? We are all guilty of providing wise advice to our family and friends yet do we practice what we preach? Most times, we don’t. & that’s perfectly okay if a lesson is learned down along the line. I know for a fact I usually end up learning lessons the hard way due to my stubborn nature. This lesson of self sufficiency is a tough pill to swallow. I will not sugarcoat that in any way.
I look back over the years and see that I have always felt this compulsion to be involved with someone, whether it was a relationship, fling, friends with benefits etc. I get attached way too easily and I love hard. This has been a source of frustration within myself because I see that not everyone thinks that way. Some people are not built for relationships and that’s fine. I feel like I have came across women who make it appear that they want a relationship or to be involved with someone yet when shit gets real, they distance themselves, thus leaving me disappointed and like well damn! I understand everyone is different. I get that we all have our pasts, hangups, flaws, whatever. I just truly feel some individuals do not know themselves or have taken the time to do so, which results in them wasting valuable time they or the person they were involved with cant take back.
I am just tired. I am not angry at anyone from my past by any means. I have forgiven, made amends and moved on from things. It would just be nice to find someone who makes their intentions known and remains consistent. I am not getting any younger and I do not have time to waste. I have a lot to offer and want to be able to share that with someone. The right person. In the mean time, I am proud to say I have grown content with my own company. As always, I am learning about myself as time goes on and I am growing. That is what matters always
– Writer From Jersey
I have came a long way. I have progressed. I have been able to rise above from the ashes to not only conquer my demons but to help others wrestle with their own, even if they may not be the same as mine.
Many of my readers know it is in the very fiber of my being to help others. It comes so naturally to me that I often forget the profound impact I can have on people until it is brought to my attention.
Just a few days ago, I texted a friend of mine how she inspired me to begin enjoying my own company, going out by myself and fully embracing the concept of putting my phone on do not disturb. She texted me back saying that I had spoken on a level so deep to her, that something as encouraging as this was just what she needed to hear as she was really going through it lately with her depression. She then sent me some uplifting messages about how much she appreciates the bond we have and how we carry each other’s burdens willingly and out of love. I am heavily paraphrasing what she said but in a nutshell, that is just one example of how unknowingly, I realize I made an impact on someone.
Earlier today, I was texting another close friend of mine and she was just pouring out her soul to me and telling me how she hated that she was using drinking as an escape from the pain. Reading that message truly brought me back to my own dark days of binge drinking. I understood what it was like to be in that predicament all too well. All I could do was give her my own all too detailed experience with that and how I got myself out of it, all the while understanding that everyone is different. We grow through struggles at different paces and in different ways. She texted back with such a spirit of gratitude and relief that I understood her struggle and didn’t judge her for it. As I was giving her my account of what I had been through, I realized I was echoing the words that the people I confided in at my own time of strife once told me. It is in both of these moments with my two friends that I realized I have made a drastic turnaround. I have had these moments of clarity a few times before but they never cease to amaze me truthfully.
I know we oftentimes are so focused, caught up and in a whirlwind with our daily lives. It is just the way things are. For the universe to have infinite love for me that I can have these periods of reflecting on my journey to becoming who I am is a blessing. I forget that I have made progress. I don’t realize how strong I am. I am extremely humbled to be able to help others in their own crusades to becoming a better version of themselves. It brings a joy so sweet and beautiful to my soul.
– Writer From Jersey
Words. I have long been a master of them.
Skillfully manipulating and arranging words to create beauty.
However, I have not encountered those who share this same talent
Only those who use them for evil
Words, so often believed and held in the highest regard
“I love you.” “I’ll never leave you.” “You’re beautiful”
Bruised and beaten with words.
Reeling from the sting of being called useless, a whore and good for nothing
Abandoned by the one who said they would die without me.
Illusions and dreams of being a wife and mother
Only to live a nightmare of pain, regret and anger.
In words, I found healing. I found peace. I found myself again.
I regained power, freedom and the most profound love a human being can experience
Love for oneself, love for life, love for growth and new beginnings.
Words that once damaged my insides now breathe new vitality in my lungs
I no longer scream in rage but with joy.
– Writer From Jersey
Life teaches us lessons. That is one universal element of life I believe we can all agree on. I know for a fact that I have been taught an eternity of lessons from life. Some have taken me quite awhile to grasp, some I’ve learned quickly and others I keep re-learning over and over. Needless to say, I am one of those people who must learn from direct experience. I take in what others have told me from their own life journeys but I have this tendency to want to find out for myself. ALWAYS.
This can be a good thing but sometimes, it comes back to bite me in the ass. Hard. I am at a stage where some of those lessons are finally setting in. Yes, in my late 20’s, the finality of those lessons are being felt. One of them is learning to be happy with myself. I have learned to love myself but am I happy with myself? There are mixed emotions that come with that answer. I know I have came a long way and I am immensely proud of myself for that. However, I have a lot of work to do in some aspects of my life. My finances are one huge thing I have to work on. I am the absolute worst when it comes to saving money, one of my biggest struggles is with food. Anybody who knows me knows I love to eat and eat well at that. Another huge vice of mine is drinking. The struggle of being a fatty and lover of wine/beer/anything alcoholic. There are several things I want to accomplish in my life but I have been the one holding myself back due to not having the money for it. Another part of my life I have been working on with next to no effort is eliminating toxic/unneeded people from my life. It is interesting seeing how those who have claimed to “always be there no matter what” are nowhere to be found. Let me just clear things up and say that I understand we are all adults and have our lives to live. That is just a pretty well known fact of adulthood. However, I have had some individuals throw shade at me on the low for not being around as much or not texting as often. I am sure I have stated this in previous blog posts but the phone works both ways. Am I guilty of not pulling my end of the wagon? Sure. But for very good reason. I am seriously just trying to get my shit together. Funny that I have to use wise words from an ex of mine out of all sources but she always used to say that if people are going to get mad at me for getting my shit together and that being the reason for me “disappearing” or going ghost, they are not my true friends. Extreme paraphrase and I am cringing slightly that I had to use her words but it is the absolute truth. People take your unintended absence due to you living life way too personal. The crazy part about these individuals is that they should know me better. This shouldn’t even play a factor at all in our friendship. But as with all things in life, changes take place. I have been thinking this must be the universe telling me these are friendships that have been outgrown. Their chapter in my life must come to a close. As much as it may hurt, feel weird and out of place for them not to be present, it must be done. I wish anybody who will not make it to the next chapter of my life the very best and that is meant from the bottom of my heart. I remain grateful for those who have stuck it out and respected my space but our bond remains strong. Truly, their loyalty means the world to me.
I am working on myself, last but not least. It is something long overdue and I owe it to myself. I have abandoned myself greatly time and time again just to make others happy. There are days I feel out of my element because I am not socializing or being in the mix. By nature, I am a social butterfly. I enjoy interacting with others and establishing connections. Separating myself from the noise and immersing myself in the quiet is refreshing/needed but it feels so weird. The do not disturb function on my iPhone is my best friend most days. I find that I ignore text messages at times and sometimes get annoyed when my phone is being banged with notifications. I get irritated with the neediness and clingyness of people. Well, it depends on who they are. I just have grown to cherish the solitude but remind myself every now and then that I have to interact with others outside of the parameters of work and family.
Writing this blog post has felt so relieving. This has been a lot to get off of my chest. Putting it into writing has made all of these things feel real and attainable.
As always, if anybody is feeling the same way as I do, please feel free to contact me. I know we can share some mutual experiences and offer some much needed advice.
– Writer From Jersey
Thank God and the universe for unexpected blessings and friends who genuinely have your back. I received a true blessing thanks to a friend of mine who put me in with one of the doctors she works for. I basically got hired on the spot because of a good word that was put in for me. I am forever grateful for that and am looking forward to taking full advantage of this opportunity.
This is the break in the clouds I have been needing for a long time. I may not go into complete detail about my current struggles but let’s just say I have been struggling. Struggling with my faith, finances, mental health, etc. I’ve been barely making it above water but some days, I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning while trying to keep others afloat. My mother reverting back to her anxiety, depression and other medical issues does not help make anything easier. I am not blaming her for my troubles as I am aware most of them are self inflicted. I think its the finality of many lessons learned that is getting me through all of this.
I just need to be ok. I need to get back to some type of stability because this constant back and forth, roller coaster ride is not for me. I know life will never be smooth sailing and challenges are meant to make us stronger but I think I have put myself through the wire enough.
– Writer From Jersey
It seems that with every single year, my circle of friends becomes smaller..and smaller…to nonexistent almost. I am by nature a social butterfly. I enjoy meeting new people and can spark up conversations with random strangers at bars/public places with ease. Many who have met me in my post high school years find it extremely hard to believe that I was a shy bookworm in my middle school/early high school years. I was almost voted “Most Shy” in middle school but that vote was given to my then best friend. However, I have my moments that I want to be left alone. I get into my antisocial mode and tune the world out. This often happens when I am depressed or stressed out. I still try to function and be social and basically be the best friend I can be to those that are near and dear to my heart.
Apparently, even that is not enough for some people.
I have come to the realization that you can only do your best, in your own capacity and to your own abilities. You can’t please everyone. Age old saying that rings true in many life situations. YOU deal with the consequences, obstacles, hurdles and high points life throws at you. Not your family, not your significant other, not your friends, YOU. So guess who you need to take care of first? YOU. While many will view that as being selfish, they won’t understand how many times you have sacrificed your feelings or sanity just to see a smile on your face. They can’t bring back the clock on all that time you invested in them. Memories and words cannot be erased from one’s mind. People won’t ever comprehend why you cancel dinner dates because you genuinely feel tired before you get ready in the slightest. They take it personal when you don’t text as much but fail to see that you have way too much on your mind and are too occupied with your thoughts to even remember sending a text. Plus, the phone works both ways and there is also social media. Take heed that we do live in a society that makes it 100000000000 times easier to communicate with people in various ways. Bottom line is, most individuals want it to be about them all of the time but won’t let go of that enthusiastically selfish attitude to think about others.
We are all adults. Adult life truly does not have free time like when we were in our childhood and adolescent years. We have obligations, priorities, bills. responsibilities, kids, and a million other lovely things that occupy our time and thoughts. While it is important to separate from those things and check up on our friends, we should not take it personal if a friend is not talking to us like they used to. Everyone is going through life at their own pace. Everyone is going through their shit. Try being understanding for a change.
I do not speak to many people on a daily basis anymore. It is not anything personal. It never will be anything personal. I am merely getting my shit together and separating myself from the world bit by bit because I have stretched myself too thin and I need to regroup and recharge. If anyone were to call themselves a real friend to me, they would understand. They would support me. Just as I would do for them.
I want our time together to mimic that of when artists spend hours in the studio.
Going several rounds creating beautiful sounds
Until that perfect melody and harmony is reached
Your body drops against mine like the perfect bass line
We dance to the rhythm of our own tune
Moans vibrating to achieve that exquisite vibe
The electric frequency between us is so real
I just want us to conceive precious sounds and generate our own music
Replay it over and over but compose a different masterpiece
Switch positions in the orchestra and play each other’s instruments of pleasure
Until the roar is deafening, mind blowing but the grand finale has been reached
We are each other’s biggest fans. Together we are entwined with the music.
This pretty much sums up how I feel about my life. I find myself in yet another sticky situation financially, job wise, mentally, emotionally. in just about every aspect you could think of. I realize now I am the source of my own problems. One huge issue I have decided to tackle is my drinking. Yes, many of you know I enjoy drinking socially but it has never been a coping mechanism for me to make it through the afternoon/evening. I have been dealing with and internalizing a lot of what is going on in my home. My mother becoming this overly dependent, needy and negative person/energy has taken a toll on my own mental health. I often feel like if I show any shred of emotion or stress, it will trigger her to go back into her own depths of despair. So I have resorted to alcohol to numb the constant anxiety I’ve felt and yes I have made it worse.
This past weekend was shitty and I fell into a dark place. I ended up spending my entire paycheck on both drinks and a hotel. I panicked and called a friend of mine as a result. I did not know what I was doing or how I even got to that point. I had no clue how I was getting home the next day. She stayed on the phone with me the entire time and that helped immensely. I managed to borrow 20 bucks from my grandmother to get home. Throughout this process on Sunday morning in getting home, I had to leave my temporary job at the hospital as I had no way of getting there. I felt like that was a means to an end. The financial toll to travel there was a burden. So now I am jobless once again. One last paycheck due to me this Friday and my job search has commenced.
I am at a loss at to what I should feel. I know something will come along but I am seriously reevaluating my approach to things again. My drinking needs to be controlled. I am the only one that can truly take control of that. I do not want to land in this position repeatedly. I really scared the living shit out of me this past weekend. I just need to rebuild, renew and recharge.
-Writer From Jersey